Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Notable Quotes



“He has all the virtues I dislike and
none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man,
but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might
send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think
big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“He has no enemies,
but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night
of my new play;
bring a friend...
if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night;
will attend second,
if there is one.”
Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you;
it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness.
Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself;
he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like
an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away
and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband,
I would poison your coffee!”
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband,
I would drink it!”
Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you
that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without
subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his
Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work,
he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt,
she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"He can compress the most words into
the smallest idea of any one I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes,
will die either of the pox or on the gallows."
The Earl of Sandwich

"That depends, my lord,
whether I embrace your mistress
or your principles."
John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person,
with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill



Ambition is a poor excuse
for not having enough sense to be lazy.

[IceWizard]

Only at the Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office
whose job was to process all the mail that had
illegible addresses. 

One day, a letter came addressed in a
shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are
my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
with a few dollars. 

By the time he made the rounds,
he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share
with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later,
another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love,
I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and
I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. 
I think it might have been those
scoundrels at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[Charon]

funny. esp as i was not expecting that. Good finds IceMan.

[willie33]

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[Charon]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

[IceWizard]

In a complex not that far away...

Due to the recent actions of a specific tenant,
we have been forced to update our community rules

[IceWizard]

Inflation is out of control everywhere

[quickfix]

ICE you have me laughing in stitches

[Charon]

[IceWizard]