Humorous Smilies

[Charon]

pretty good, Ice Man.

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

A French, a Brit, and an American
are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives.

The chief says to them,
"You must die for intruding our land.
But it is our custom to allow you to
choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says,
"My great grandfather died by sword while
fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor him."

He takes a sword and impales himself.

The natives take him away, skin him,
and turn him into a canoe.

The Brit says,
"My father gave me his pistol on his deathbed.
I shall shoot myself in honor of him."

The Brit takes the gun and shoots himself.

The natives take him away, skin him,
and turn him into a canoe.

Awhile later, the American asks for a fork.

Confused they give him a fork and
he starts stabbing himself all over.

The natives scream out,
"What are you doing?!"

The American replies,
"You're not turning me into a canoe!"


******



An old man with hearing problems crashed
his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile
jumps out and confronts the old man and says,

“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies,
“Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money
but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son as as he is about to
speak the owner of the expensive car yanks
the phone out of his hand and says,

“So you train dolphins, well your old man
just hit and damaged my car, you bring
me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers,
“Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep,
Ten men jump out and beat the h3ll out of the
expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says,
“Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins.









Remember

[IceWizard]

Things a Senior might say. . .


As I’ve grown older,
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.


I’m responsible for what I say,
not what you understand.


Common sense is like deodorant.
The people who need it the most never use it.


My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days.
I used to have some immunity built up,
but obviously there's a new strain out there.


It’s not my age that bothers me;
it’s the side effects.


I’m not saying I’m old and worn out,
but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.


As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history,
I'm sure of one thing:
It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.


Me, sobbing:
"I can't see you anymore. . . .
I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer:
"It was one sit-up.”


As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.
The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.


I haven't gotten anything done today.
I've been in the Produce Department
trying to open this stupid plastic bag.


If you find yourself feeling useless,
remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars,
and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.


Turns out that being a "senior"
is mostly just googling how to do stuff.


I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.
I have new ideas.


I'm on two diets.
I wasn't getting enough food on one.


I put my scale in the bathroom corner
and that's where the little liar will stay
until it apologizes.


My mind is like an internet browser.
At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen,
and I have no clue where the music is coming from.


Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall,
and when it rang,
I picked it up without knowing who was calling.


Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation
"Maybe next time"
isn't the correct response.


Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again
to see if you’re still a dumbass.


There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.
The truth is that once you get old,
you stop being polite and start being honest

[Charon]

I put my scale in the bathroom corner
and that's where the little liar will stay
until it apologizes.

If you find yourself feeling useless,
remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars,
and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

My mind is like an internet browser.
At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen,
and I have no clue where the music is coming from.



Two browsers I work. And it just happened now. The Voice of the Prophet was coming from some tab. No i won't start over. Not the Irish spirit. I tracked it down ha ha ha...


WONDERFUL ICE.

[Charon]

*disclaimer: i copied three above from Ice I believe.Just sayin*


10 of the best Irish jokes on the internet
ENTERTAINMENT
10 of the best Irish jokes on the internet
Irish Post
BY: Irish Post
October 13, 2021
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When it comes to telling jokes, no one does it quite like the Irish.

Whether it's a funeral wake or visit to a doctor with grave news, no subject is off limits when it comes to Irish gags.

And with Ireland boasting a rich tradition for producing some of the best jokes around, The Irish Post thought it was high time someone celebrated 10 of the very best.

Related:

10 brilliant Irish jokes to share on St Patrick's Day
Ten of the worst Irish jokes you've ever heard
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Here are 10 Classic Irish Jokes to make you laugh and remind you of home...

10. The Priest
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

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He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

.

9. The Quickest Way To Cork
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

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Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

8. One Last Shot
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

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When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: "Wow! You sure drank those fast."

Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have."

The barman asks: "What do you have?"

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: "Fifty cents!"

7. The Car Park
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

Laughing at Irish jokes.

6. Taking Out An Advert
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.

"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"

"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"

"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.

5. Three Brothers
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"

4. Man's Best Friend
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.

One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.

His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he mad," asks Billy.

"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.

Laughing at Irish jokes.

3. Visiting The Doctor
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

2. Digging A Hole
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

1. The Grieving Widow
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."



** Originally Published on: May 8, 2020 by Jack Beresford

Got some good Jokes. We'd love to hear them

[IceWizard]

LOL!!!

[Mr. HIND]

haha!

I put my scale in the bathroom corner
and that's where the little liar will stay
until it apologizes.

[IceWizard]

This shows just how much trouble we are really in


YES

[Charon]

seriously. and gen x hates the boomers. i remember the gen x people calling themselves gen RX cuz they had all the medicine experiments in re: depression et al. should have left valium and normal meds available if anyone had asked me.

they don't even care that they never learned this country and its history. and dealt with it. truth was not allowed in the curriculum.