Humorous Smilies

[Charon]

   

   

   

[Charon]

   

when life was simpler...

[Charon]

   

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

Poem of the Day







Do not try this at home

[IceWizard]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman
“Have you got any bread”

Barman:
“No sorry”

Duck:
“Have you got any bread”

Barman: “NO”

Duck:
”Have you got any bread”

Barman:
“Look I haven’t got any bread and if you ask again
I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar”

Duck:
“Got any nails?”

Barman:
“No”

Duck:
"Got any bread?”



**********



A Few Texas Facts


You see more Texas flags than American flags.

You know someone who ate the 72 oz steak and got it for free.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries
.
You prefer Whataburger to McDonalds.

You dress up to go shopping at the mall.

You've hung ornaments and tinsel on a tumbleweed and used it as a Christmas tree.

You're disappointed when a food doesn't come in spicy flavor.

You know from experience that rattlesnake meat tastes like chicken.

You can tell a rock from an armadillo at 300 yards.

You know what a 'Cowboy Cadillac' is.

You have both a dog and a brother-in-law named Bud

Your local grocery store sells cactus in the Fresh Produce department

You watch the movie Urban Cowboy and laugh at the phony Texan accents

You choose a brand of Mexican salsa with the same care that another might use to select a bottle of
fine wine.

You think that the 4 basic food groups are nachos, Bar-b-que, fajitas, and Copenhagen.

You refer to the Dallas Cowboys as "God's favorite football team"

You know whether another Texan is from South, West, East, North, or Central Texas as soon
as they open their mouth.

You don't consider people from Austin to be real Texans.

Your Pastor wears boots.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

The Blue Book value on your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Roadrunners don't say Beep Beep

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no ones seen before.

Possums will eat anything.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around their house.

You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle, they do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until June 25, then it stops totally until Oct 2.

Once'd and Twice'd are good words.

It is not a shopping cart it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.

Coldbeer actually is one word.

People really grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate
in the middle of the night.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, its time to go to the doctor.

Fixinto is one word.

The word dinner is confusing. There's only lunch and then there's supper.

Backard's and forard's means I know everything about you.

Jeeet? is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?

You work until you're done or its too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

[IceWizard]

Signs That You Might Be 'Trailer Trash'




Your wife’s new hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has numbers on it.

A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 of improvement.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is ‘out of your league’ bowls on a different night.

Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.

Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."

Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."

Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.

Your wife is your sister and your daughter

You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get
your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.

On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.


**********



You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch, on your forehead.


**********

The golden years have come at last:

I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks, no sense of smell, I look like hell!
My body is drooping, got trouble pooping,
The golden years have come at last,

The golden years can kiss my a$$!

**********

Two old men, were sitting on the beach watching the bikini-clad girls
walking by, running into and out of the water, and playing beach volleyball.

"Do you think all this exercise keeps you fit ?"
asked one.

"I should say so," replied the other.
"I walk two miles every day just to watch this."


**********




A husband is trying to fly a kite in his backyard. He throws the kite up in the air,
the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need
to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yells to her husband,
"You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night,
you told me to go fly a kite !"


**********


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked,
"What's he like?"

The little boy replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.


**********


A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked.
"Are these my brains?"

"Not yet."
replied his mother.


**********


The kindergartner's were now in the first grade.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown-up
since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.
Then she then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said,
"No, you went to see your grandmother.
Use the grown-up word. ·

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher said,
"No, no, you went on a trip on a train.
That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.

He proudly stated that he had read a book.

The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his little chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Sh!t."


**********


Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING .
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER .
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG , LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU .
8 . DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE .. . WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
I 0. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES .
 

                          WELL DONE.


    NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, and TEE OFF.



**********



One day Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch, up in the Ozark hills when Pa said to Ma,
" Junior's 21 years old now" It's about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said
"Ya know Pa you're right".

So Pa said to Junior
"Hey Junior come on out to the porch and set for a second".

So Junior went on out to the porch, and says,
"Ya Pa, whatcha want".

Pa said
"Junior it's about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said
"Sex ..what's sex".

Pa turned to Ma and told her to take off her clothes,
so Ma does, and she does a spread eagle right
there on the porch.

Pa says to Junior
"See that hole in Ma? Watch this".

So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time Juniors brother comes out to the porch,
he's 18 and says,
"Junior what's Ma and Pa doing".

Junior says
"Their teaching me about sex".

Junior's brother says
"Sex what's sex".

Junior says
"See that hole in Pa watch this".....


**********


What contains the letters a u,t, and s and is caused by vaccines ?
Adults.


**********


I'm an adult who likes puns...
I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

**********


25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness
which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.


**********


A drunk barged into a man looking under the hood of his car.

“Anything wrong?”
he mumbled.

“Piston broke,”
came the reply.

“Same here,”
said the drunk.

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

A guy noticed how many girls I had
circling around me wherever I went.

Right before I left for the day he came up to me and asked,
"Man, what's your secret to get all the girls?"

I said,
"It's simple, I just put a potato in my swim trunks."

He said,
"You think it would work for me?"

I said,
"Try it , it'll work out fine."

The next weekend, he was there before I got there
and again he came up and told me that he had tried 
the "potato" trick, but all the girls went running away
from him.

I looked him over and said,
"Try putting the potato in the front of your swim trunks."


**********


How do Millennials fireproof their homes?
By never owning one.


**********


Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried,
his dad asks him
"What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks,
"How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18"
says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says
"Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"



**********


Why did the mystic drown when she fell into the pool?
She never claimed to be clair-buoyant.


**********


Warning…….


Doctors have discovered that herpes can be
contracted by listening to arseholes

So be very careful around here.

[IceWizard]

Rodney Carrington
If I'm The Only One
(Official Video)







Stephen Lynch
Special Ed






Stephen Lynch
Lullaby
(The Divorce Song)