08-03-2015, 03:29 AM
I actually think I have everything but benzos under control. I just have that manic, anxious, posting at 3-am writing walls of words thing that I can't shake without it. I spent a year without it and I didn't like it at all and now I'm back on a script of very light benzos.
But I used to also be a serious IV heroin/opiates/opioids in general user, and I (and missed, ouch) my fair share of meth, and speedballs and goofballs and watched Showgirls on acid and ate Canadian MDMA crystals like its candy until I lost the magic. I've only done IV heroin, coke, and meth since 2011 outside of benzos. I've done them a total of 12 times combined in the past 4.5 years. I don't really have the urge to do them unless it's offered anymore, I feel like I needed to move on with my life and those can only be very occasional hobbies, like a sport team you follow in the standings but don't actually watch the games of. Although I am obviously incredibly interested in the legal aspect of all these drugs, it''s a replacement.
But it's hard to shake the benzos. Xanax is paradoxical for me, but Ativan, Temazepam, and Valium will keep me calm, collected, normal, social but not too much, focused, relevant, and wit ha decent head on my head. I have little memory loss on them and no euphoria, just a devil's tranquility I'm putting off dealing with later, maybe in the style of the infamous Charles Johnson.
I usually have a drink or two but to study for the bar I really stopped from may until... well I haven't really restarted except right after I got out (I had to). My great-grandfather was an drunk and died in his 40s. My great grandmother was a drunk and died clutching a bottle of clear liquor but due to Alzheimers... at the age of 96. She called me by my dad's name. My great-grandfather on my mother's side was a crippled opium addict who chose to eat a brick of opium instead of getting machinegunned by the Japanese. Almost whole village save my grandmother and great-aunt got machinegunned into a mass grave. It's the stuff that'll get you drinking, but they actually never did, interesting enough.
I think a lot of this is a lot more complex, YMMV. I feel like I'm almost choosing to stick with a light level of dependency on one specific thing.I stopped shooting heroin every day mostly because it became not fun and it became a chore it killed my relationship. Yet, perhaps I am actually really dependent, because the normal me that I recognize now, not the one before my friend died or before I went on a multi-year bender or CT w/ds or law school or whatever, is the me that I recognize, always on a light level of benzos, prescribed but always a little underprescribed, verbose but precise, telling stories but eventually getting to the point, and finally comfortable with myself in a way that I haven't been comfortable with since when I was very little.
But I used to also be a serious IV heroin/opiates/opioids in general user, and I (and missed, ouch) my fair share of meth, and speedballs and goofballs and watched Showgirls on acid and ate Canadian MDMA crystals like its candy until I lost the magic. I've only done IV heroin, coke, and meth since 2011 outside of benzos. I've done them a total of 12 times combined in the past 4.5 years. I don't really have the urge to do them unless it's offered anymore, I feel like I needed to move on with my life and those can only be very occasional hobbies, like a sport team you follow in the standings but don't actually watch the games of. Although I am obviously incredibly interested in the legal aspect of all these drugs, it''s a replacement.
But it's hard to shake the benzos. Xanax is paradoxical for me, but Ativan, Temazepam, and Valium will keep me calm, collected, normal, social but not too much, focused, relevant, and wit ha decent head on my head. I have little memory loss on them and no euphoria, just a devil's tranquility I'm putting off dealing with later, maybe in the style of the infamous Charles Johnson.
I usually have a drink or two but to study for the bar I really stopped from may until... well I haven't really restarted except right after I got out (I had to). My great-grandfather was an drunk and died in his 40s. My great grandmother was a drunk and died clutching a bottle of clear liquor but due to Alzheimers... at the age of 96. She called me by my dad's name. My great-grandfather on my mother's side was a crippled opium addict who chose to eat a brick of opium instead of getting machinegunned by the Japanese. Almost whole village save my grandmother and great-aunt got machinegunned into a mass grave. It's the stuff that'll get you drinking, but they actually never did, interesting enough.
I think a lot of this is a lot more complex, YMMV. I feel like I'm almost choosing to stick with a light level of dependency on one specific thing.I stopped shooting heroin every day mostly because it became not fun and it became a chore it killed my relationship. Yet, perhaps I am actually really dependent, because the normal me that I recognize now, not the one before my friend died or before I went on a multi-year bender or CT w/ds or law school or whatever, is the me that I recognize, always on a light level of benzos, prescribed but always a little underprescribed, verbose but precise, telling stories but eventually getting to the point, and finally comfortable with myself in a way that I haven't been comfortable with since when I was very little.