Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

The Dachshund and the Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says ...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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Good Dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

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As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life,

my family's lives,

my friends' lives

and what's happening in Paris,

Washington,

Moscow,

Ukraine,

the Middle East,

Trump,

CBC News,

the downgrading of our military,

25,000 Syrian refugees,

the terrorists and illegals infiltrating our borders,

and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity,

I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS 1800-555-3787


Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.



A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower....