Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A Few Short Ones

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show.

”Ooh,” said the presenter, “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers -taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks.” said Paddy.

******************************************
While the bikini is often credited to being invented in Hawaii, historians have discovered that its true origins were actually in Israel.

Offended that the one piece bathing suit covered multiple parts of a woman, the Orthodox Jews came up with the idea of a bikini in order to separate meat from dairy.

***************************************

"I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump!" I said to my friend.

"What, a suicide bomber?" he asked.

"No, a surface to hair missile!", I replied.

***************************************

My girlfriend asked me on the September Long Weekend, when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her.

I said,"Back in 08."

(It sounds much better than August.)

***********************************

A blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay.

A fellow just rang up and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's massive!"

He said, "How many feet?"

She said,"None!.It's a freakin snake!!"

**************************************

Blue, White and Red are supposed to symbolize freedom.

Well, they do, until you see those lights in your rear view mirror.

***************************************

We have a sensory deprivation chamber built into our house.

Although the wife prefers to call it a bedroom.

***************************************

In keeping with the St Paddy's spirit, the lad decided to cook himself an Irish mixed grill.

Mash potato, roast potato, fried potato and
chips.

***************************************

What do you call a line of men waiting for a
haircut?
A barbeque.

***************************************

If at first you don't succeed,
do it the way your wife told you!

***************************************

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.

With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men.

The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read it...

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules --

Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way!"