Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Signs That You Might Be 'Trailer Trash'




Your wife’s new hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has numbers on it.

A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 of improvement.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is ‘out of your league’ bowls on a different night.

Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.

Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."

Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."

Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.

Your wife is your sister and your daughter

You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get
your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.

On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.


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You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch, on your forehead.


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The golden years have come at last:

I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks, no sense of smell, I look like hell!
My body is drooping, got trouble pooping,
The golden years have come at last,

The golden years can kiss my a$$!

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Two old men, were sitting on the beach watching the bikini-clad girls
walking by, running into and out of the water, and playing beach volleyball.

"Do you think all this exercise keeps you fit ?"
asked one.

"I should say so," replied the other.
"I walk two miles every day just to watch this."


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A husband is trying to fly a kite in his backyard. He throws the kite up in the air,
the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need
to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yells to her husband,
"You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night,
you told me to go fly a kite !"


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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked,
"What's he like?"

The little boy replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.


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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked.
"Are these my brains?"

"Not yet."
replied his mother.


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The kindergartner's were now in the first grade.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown-up
since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.
Then she then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said,
"No, you went to see your grandmother.
Use the grown-up word. ·

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher said,
"No, no, you went on a trip on a train.
That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.

He proudly stated that he had read a book.

The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his little chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Sh!t."


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Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING .
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER .
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG , LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU .
8 . DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE .. . WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
I 0. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES .
 

                          WELL DONE.


    NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, and TEE OFF.



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One day Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch, up in the Ozark hills when Pa said to Ma,
" Junior's 21 years old now" It's about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said
"Ya know Pa you're right".

So Pa said to Junior
"Hey Junior come on out to the porch and set for a second".

So Junior went on out to the porch, and says,
"Ya Pa, whatcha want".

Pa said
"Junior it's about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said
"Sex ..what's sex".

Pa turned to Ma and told her to take off her clothes,
so Ma does, and she does a spread eagle right
there on the porch.

Pa says to Junior
"See that hole in Ma? Watch this".

So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time Juniors brother comes out to the porch,
he's 18 and says,
"Junior what's Ma and Pa doing".

Junior says
"Their teaching me about sex".

Junior's brother says
"Sex what's sex".

Junior says
"See that hole in Pa watch this".....


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What contains the letters a u,t, and s and is caused by vaccines ?
Adults.


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I'm an adult who likes puns...
I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

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25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness
which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.


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A drunk barged into a man looking under the hood of his car.

“Anything wrong?”
he mumbled.

“Piston broke,”
came the reply.

“Same here,”
said the drunk.