Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and
enclosures when all of a sudden she yells,

“Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?”
I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!”
she said, ...

and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.



**********


I hate hotel towels....
So thick and fluffy.
I can't even close my suitcase.


**********


A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says,
“My friend, you read my mind!"


**********


Wife:
I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband:
I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts,
a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend
consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...

Wife:
Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?


**********



I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and
do demonstrations by appointment.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area.

The house looked rough and as I walked to the door
carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog
with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the
stupid dog followed me in. I wasn't too thrilled
about having this dog hanging around during the demonstration.

I started by taking the machine out of the box and
explaining the design, features and benefits.

It's a well rehearsed spiel I've done hundreds of times.

As I'm ready to go to the next item on the agenda,
the dog gets up and pees on the carpet just a
few feet away from me.

The moment was awkward,
the lady looked at me and I looked at her
not knowing what to do.

Without saying a word, she got up and
grabbed some paper towels from the kitchen and cleaned it up.

I continue, maybe I can salvage this sale I thought.

I took the power head out of the box and talked

about the size and the motor and

how easy it glides across the floor.

As I begin to assemble the cleaner
the dog gets up and takes a dump on the other side of the room.

Another awkward silence and she quietly gets up and cleans the mess.

I've lost the rhythm, too many interruptions,
I'm disgusted and I'm done.

While she cleaned the floor, I decided this sale was over
and started to pack up the cleaner and the accessories.

When she returned I said,
"Look, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna sell you anything today.
But, I have to tell you, if you want to take care of your home
and your own health, you need to do something about your dog."

For the first time that night she came alive and said,
"MY DOG, I thought that was your dog!"


**********


Two guys become best friends in high school,
bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend
is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs.
And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together.
During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again
seemingly obsessed with listening to Liz Phair.

But whenever they’re home on leave,
he doesn’t play a single song of hers.

Finally, the first guy’s curiosity is peaked,
and he asks his friend about the phenomenon.

“Oh yeah,” says the friend.
“You know, that’s just the rule.”

“What rule?”
asks the guy.

“You know, it’s what people always say.
All Liz Phair in love and war.”