Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break
and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,”
he replies.

“Fred what?”
the officer asks.

“Just Fred,”
the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name,
the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The man replies,
“It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Ding-a-ling.
I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I kept to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I
was Fred Ding-a-ling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. I got all the way through school and got my degree,
so I was now Fred Ding-a-ling, MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD.

So, I was Fred Ding-a-ling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS,
so I was Fred Ding-a-ling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Ding-a-ling with VD.

Then the VD took away my ding-a-ling so now
I’m just Fred.”

The officer let him go without even a warning.



**********

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up naked in a garden,
while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.


The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response until
she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly, it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell,
and eleven other bells began to ring...



**********



A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would
have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event
was not worth the price.

So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however,
I found it had been previously occupied,
that there was no heat,
and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the
check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady!



**********


A ventriloquist walked up to a farmer and said,
“I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.”

Farmer:
“Horses don’t talk.”

Ventriloquist:
“Watch this. Hi, horse.
How does your master treat you?”

Horse:
“Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food,
water and he keeps me out of the sun.”

Ventriloquist:
“I’ll bet I can make your dog talk.”

Farmer:
“Dogs can’t talk.”

Ventriloquist:
“Watch this. Dog, how are you?
Does your master treat you well?”

Dog:
“Oh! He treats me well. He gives me food,
water and he plays ball with me.”

Ventriloquist:
“I’ll bet I can make your sheep talk.”
Farmer:
“Sheep, lie! Sheep, lie!”