12-14-2020, 11:34 PM
A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they had to cover it up with a big leaf.
What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?
I missed you this morning.
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
You could view the huge cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…
To all those people who don't know what real panic is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
-
The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”
-
The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?
-
The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
Ironing board.
A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.
I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.
I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi, can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”
“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have changing rooms, right?”
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”
-
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.
He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin
A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”
Outer Mongolia.
One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight. Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.”
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
-
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
-
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go for a walk.
Then a crow flew past my window. Backwards.
My date last night was really awesome.
We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet.
I love my new taser.
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
– Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…
– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I know…
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”
-
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
-
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
-
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
-
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
Q: What is it: “Three in the office but only one works.”
-
A: Two state clerks and a running ventilator.
Last words of a skydiver?
-
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!!
I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
-
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
-
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
-
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
-
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
-
The man sighs, “my wife.”
A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”
Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”
-
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”
A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”
-
“A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
-
“How do you mean that?” asks the mother.
-
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
-
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they had to cover it up with a big leaf.
What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?
I missed you this morning.
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
You could view the huge cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…
To all those people who don't know what real panic is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
-
The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”
-
The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?
-
The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
Ironing board.
A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.
I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.
I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi, can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”
“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have changing rooms, right?”
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”
-
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.
He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin
A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”
Outer Mongolia.
One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight. Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.”
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
-
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
-
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go for a walk.
Then a crow flew past my window. Backwards.
My date last night was really awesome.
We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet.
I love my new taser.
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
– Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…
– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I know…
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”
-
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
-
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
-
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
-
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
Q: What is it: “Three in the office but only one works.”
-
A: Two state clerks and a running ventilator.
Last words of a skydiver?
-
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!!
I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
-
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
-
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
-
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
-
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
-
The man sighs, “my wife.”
A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”
Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”
-
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”
A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”
-
“A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
-
“How do you mean that?” asks the mother.
-
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
-
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
It is Well with My Soul