Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: "You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license
and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car".

Tourist: "But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!"

Cop: "I don't care".

Tourist: "Please be reasonable, you can't do this!"

Cop: "Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper,
but it has to be in Russian".

Tourist: "But I don't know any Russian!"

Cop: "Not my problem".

The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car.
In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the
paper and hands it to the cop.

Cop: "I see you already wrote half of the appeal!
And you said you didn't know any Russian!"


*******************************

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door
to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather
than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says
"JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE.  BEST PRICES!"

Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says
"JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST QUALITY!!"

The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"


*******************************

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150
in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund
and keep the money for myself'.

So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says "My God, it wasn't that creased in the shop".
His funeral is this Thursday.


*******************************

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left".

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten" the doctor says sadly."

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

*******************************


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat".

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager".

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred" the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied
"The balcony"...