Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

I was home a couple weeks ago and my dogs were in our fenced in
back yard doing whatever dogs do when no one is paying attention to them.

I'm just watching TV when I hear a knock on the door.
I go over and open the door and there's a cop standing there.

He says "Hello, I'm Officer Jackson.
Have your dog's been in your backyard all day?"

I tell him that they've been out there for 2 or 3 hours and
ask if everything is okay.

He says they received reports of some dogs in my neighborhood
chasing kids on their bikes. He was called to come find the
dogs in question.

I simply explained to him that it couldn't be my dogs,
as neither of them own bikes.

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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
However, every time the kite gets up into the air,
it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of
the front door and yells

"You need more tail".

The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I'll never understand your mother.
Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail,
and she told me to go fly a kite!"

***************************

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

''Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow,
said "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

He said, "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with
large breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere".

***************************

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a
sweet young thing walking in.

I asked the trainer standing next to me
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there.

The trainer looked me over and said
"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby".

***************************

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech.
They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees.
They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything
from the weather to the composition of the soil.

In their older years a little sapling started to sprout between them
and the birch said:
"Hey, I bet you that's the son of a birch".

"No sir, you are mistaken. That is the son of a beech".

This went on back and forth for years, son of a birch, son of a beech.
Until one day a woodpecker flew up to the top of the beech tree
and started pecking.

The beech tree said "Hey woodpecker, could you do us a favor? M
e and Mr. Birch have a bet about that sapling down there.
Could you check it out and tell us if it is a son of a beech,
or a son of a birch".

The woodpecker replies
"No problem. I can figure this out for you guys!"

The woodpecker flies down to the sapling, pecks at it for a minute,
and flies up to the beech tree.

The beech asks "So, what's the verdict?
Is it a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?"

The woodpecker replies
"I don't know what all your fuss was about,
but that was the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in".