Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice.

She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.


*********************************************



Frank Perdue's lawyer was working on an inspired scheme to sell more chicken.
He called the Vatican and requested a private audience with the Pope.

The request was refused, but the lawyer called again and again, and finally
his request was granted.

A few weeks later he was brought into a grand and stately room for an audience
with His Eminence.He knelt and kissed the Pope's ring and explained who he was
and who he represented.Then he said,

'Your Holiness, I have a proposition to make that I think could be of huge benefit to both of us.
I'd like you to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
It will help my client sell more chickens, and we are prepared to pay the
Church $1 million for this.'

The Pope shook his head firmly and said,
'No, young man, I am afraid that it is out of the question.
The words to that holy prayer have remained unchanged for 2,000 years.'

But the lawyer persisted.
'Well, Your Holiness, would you do it for $5 million?'

'No, no,' replied the Pope, 'absolutely not.
The Church holds tradition sacred and does not make changes casually.'

The lawyer stood up. 'All right, one hundred million dollars!
Would you do it for one hundred million? Think of what you could do with that money!'

The Pope reflected silently upon the starving people around the world,
the far-flung missions, and the myriad of other financial burdens on the Church.

He looked over at the papal attorney before he nodded his assent.

'Please tell Mr. Perdue that we have an agreement.'

The next day, the Pope called a meeting of the College of Cardinals.
'Dearest colleagues,' the Pope began, 'I have for you some good news and
some bad news. The good news is that we are receiving one hundred million
from Mr. Frank Perdue to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'

'The bad news, friends, is that we're losing the Wonder Bread account.'


***********************************



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra..'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired.'



************************************************8


I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and
give the woman there 20 bucks.

So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy.
After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says

'What the hell are you doing?'

I said 'Having sex with my wife.'

He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'