Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Hehehehehehe ,... All of those are GREAT!!!

Doctors:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.z
© Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.


Now think about this:


Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a
doctor as by a gun owner!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!


Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on Lawyers:
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!



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Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died,
a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and
told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month,
he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' said the Blonde brother, 'you said to do something
nice for Uncle Charlie.
So I rented him a tuxedo.'


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How accurate is this?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people
who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people
who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people
who think they should run the country, and
who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they
ought to run the country but don't really understand
The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who
wouldn't mind running the country, if they could
find the time and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents
used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who
aren't too sure who's running the country and don't
really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care
who is running the country as long as they do something
really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people who are in prison,
who used to run the state, and would like to do so again,
as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

10 The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
another country, but need the baseball scores.

11 The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who
aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it;
but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are
occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped,
minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of
course, that they are not Republicans.

12 The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line
at the grocery store.

13 The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently
caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

***************************



Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his
limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside
and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'

Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous.
I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'



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This example shows the importance of accuracy when
submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return
submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered
one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question,
'List your dependents”, you wrote:

'12.1 million illegal immigrants,
1.1 million crack-heads,
4.4 million unemployed deadbeats,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
at least 450 idiots in Congress and
those who call themselves Politicians.'

The IRS responded that “This is unacceptable!”

The man's response to the IRS was:
'Who did I leave out?'


********************************


For a couple years I ‘ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the
real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the
federal government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,

which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who
work for State and City Governments and

that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer
reading jokes.