Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A man was driving through West Texas one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do
to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.

Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his
flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had
promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
“Who said that?” he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and
the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated,

“It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key
and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
“Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked,

“What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher
.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
“A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”

The man replied in the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”

“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher,
“because that black horse doesn’t know sh*t about cars.”


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Strange Problem


A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

'Doc, there's something wrong with me.
Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest,
and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's
wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe.

Can you tell me what the problem is?'

'Sure,' the doctor said.
'You have way too much time on your hands.'



*******************************

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came
into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a
six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could.

“Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing
with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily:
“Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.
It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would
like a word with you!”


*******************************

I’ll Testify To That


Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the
trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, decreed,
'Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first.'

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.



*******************************

1st Grader Answers


A first-grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class.
She presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds because
the last one is classic…
although sad to see it said!

1. Don’t change horses……………………… until they stop.
2. Strike while the……………………………. bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before……………….Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of…..termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but…….how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that………………… looks dirty.
7. No news is…………………………………... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a……………………. Mister.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new………. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll……..stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust………………………………..me.
12. The pen is mightier than the…………. pigs.
13. An idle mind is……………………………. the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s…….…… pollution.
15. Happy the bride who………………….….gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is……………………….…. not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s………………… the Musketeers
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and……………….……….. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as……………. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not……. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed…………… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only
what you……………………………..…….. see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind……….. get out of the way.

And the WINNER is… the last one…
25. Better late than…………………... pregnant.