Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

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A man walk into a supermarket and notices a
beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally
the man asked “Do I know you?”

The woman answers
“I think your the father of one of my kids”.

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is
talking about must be the result of the one and only time
he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman,
“Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party
about 5 years ago? You know, the one I had sex with on the
pool table while your friend spanked my butt with a whip?”


The woman looks at him horrified and says,
“No, I’m your son’s teacher”.

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A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several
wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point
the young daughter asks her mother,

“Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”

The mother replies,
“Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them
up on the way home from work.”

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,
“Ah, C’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud…
They’re hookers!”

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,
“Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”

The mother replies,
“Of course, Dear.
Where do you think cabbies come from?”

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I found myself pretty depressed lately and thought maybe if
I made a few new friends that might help.

In considering how to do that I thought I would use
the Facebook approach.

So now, every day, I go down on the street and tell the passers-by
what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done or where we had dinner
the night before, and what I will be doing today

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, videos of my staring at my
computer screen or napping and of course, the Pix of me winning the
Body By Hebrew National Contest.

I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them I love them,
and it works.

I already have 5 people following me:
3 Police Officers and 2 Psychiatrists.

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and
a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop
where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her
mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there
as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques,
so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.

Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been
languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will
now be your responsibility!!!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.

The lady doctor then laughed and said,
"I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
Show me what you bought."

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Welcome to Texas

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