Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

*****************************





*****************************




*****************************

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.


Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes
and says to him in a sultry tone
"I'll do anything you'd like.
Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams,
it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is,
I'm game. I want $100, and
there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events,
the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He then whips out his wallet and puts $100 in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly
"Paint. My. House".


*****************************

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully

"Give me one last request, dear" he said.

"Of course, John" his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die" John said
"I want you to marry Bob".

"But I thought you hated Bob?" she said.

With his last breath John said "I do!"


*****************************

Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings,
a daughter wrote home to her father,
who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money
to buy a second-hand motorcycle.

By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind
and bought a monkey instead.

After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair.
Hoping her father, the veterinarian, would know how to cure it,
she wrote him a letter.

"Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey.
What should I do?"

A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. It read
"Sell the damn motorcycle!"


*****************************

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time

"Would you like some Bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and
maybe some grapefruit juice and Coffee?"

He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra" he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines.

"The Viagra" he says "Really trashes my desire for food".

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Honey, would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra.
I'm still not hungry".

"Well" she says
"Would you mind letting me up?
I'm starving".


*****************************

The owner and bartender of a bar was so sure that he was the
strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and then hand the lemon to the patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it,
would win the money.

Many people had tried over the years:

Weightlifters, Truck Drivers, Football Players etc,
but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little guy came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a pint of beer, and
started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge,
he said in a small voice
"I was just reading your sign and I'd like to try the bet".

After the laughter had died down the bartender said: "Okay..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little guy.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his little fist around the lemon...

And six drops fell into the glass!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000,
and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The little bloke quietly replied
"I work for The Tax Department".


*****************************


A soldier got injured in a gun fight and kept screaming "MEDIC!".

The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "MEDIC!".

The Medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and all the soldier
would say was "MEDIC".

After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist,
he realized that the soldier wasn't saying "MEDIC!" at all.