Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." Was the reply.

"That dump!" Exclaimed the barber,
That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of
Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class!

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess
who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel ... it was great!

They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city!
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite
at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and
shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?



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Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants,
and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again.

When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot
he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama!"



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Henry goes to confession and says

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women".

The priest says "Take seven lemons,
squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice
without pausing".

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No" replies the priest.
"But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face".

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Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70 th birthday by staying overnight in a
really nice hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay ...
I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included
had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and,
forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are
available for use."

"But I didn't use them!", screamed Lucille.

'Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for
which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." snapped Lucille.

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay,
wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad,
I was here, and you could have."



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