Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas" the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.
Ater a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now" said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered "BP!"

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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman?

"Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners.
As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".

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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said

"Here put these on".

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants" she said.

"That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it.
I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said

"Try these on".

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude!!"

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Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, 

he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.

"I play a man who's been married for twenty years".

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it

they'll be giving you a speaking part".

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A man is sitting on a railway carriage staring intently at the guy across from him.

"Hey" says the guy "why are you staring at me?"

"Whether you believe it or not" says Bob "you are the spitting image of my mother-in-law.
Except for the mustache".

"I don't have a mustache" says the guy. 

"No, but my mother-in-law does".

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My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked
"Does my butt look big in this dress?"

I texted back "NOO!"

My phone auto-corrected my response to "MOO!"

Please send HELP.

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I tried to put the ole spark back in my first relationship by taking my

wife on a fancy getaway.. She was an animal lover, so I figured that Colorado

had some she hasn't seen up close.

She said, " Where will we stay?"

I said, "In one of those fancy hotels."

So off we went.. On the way up there, I got lost, so she whipped out the map.

As she was blurting out directions, I saw a baby skunk on the roadside standing in the snow.

Hoping that she hadn't see it, I kept driving.

But she did and made me turn around to rescue the animal.

"It's freezing!" she said and put it in the floorboard and cranked
up the heater..

After awhile, she said, "It's still shivering from the cold!"

So I told her, "Just put it between your legs, it's really warm there."

She said, "But it stinks!"

I said, "Then just hold it's little nose!"

And that's how the fight started

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