Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

I went to the corner shop today...
and Bought four corners.

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.

He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head,
and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square.
I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me,so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want.
First I'll give him unlimited money,
then a great golf game,
and finally a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole.

He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers,
"Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run...
but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,
he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag
fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a
cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces
all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door
and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.
Isn't it just a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you.
Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here".

The guy says "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here
but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies "Not at all...
We also sell condoms here".

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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier,
"I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir." he replied.

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A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor
that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his wife's
oatmeal each morning.

He did this religiously and she lived to the ripe old age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren,
five great-great grandchildren...

And a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.