Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.
She said she's sorry she ever married me.

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Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night.
To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.

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A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms,
was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say
"Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort
"Well I... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am,
I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time,
but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over.

"The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me,
and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.

The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. "I'm so sorry,
but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone
willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you.
We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be
happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge".

"Fine" the woman said with an air of resignation
"but I've never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!"

"Well, I just said the truth!" could be faintly heard from the seat behind.

Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel
better as soon as possible, telling her
"Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage,
whatever you choose, it's on us" she said.

"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for you to comfort your monkey".


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I bought a pug for my wife for her birthday.
Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat,
the pug seemed to like her anyway.

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth" the Indian replied. "I suppose" she said patronizingly
"that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us".

"Oh no" he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster".

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FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...


Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'



The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come to get her.

My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O,' and my hubby calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O.'

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another.
It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.

The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.

He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's kittycat doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it,
and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'

THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.