pictures work again. woo hoo. well done, ms. willie.
Local Priest*******
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
************************************************************************************
Drunk priest
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!" credit to Ice Wizard for this one
***************************************************************************************************
READ MORE
26 things Irish people always do as soon as the sun comes out
*******************************8
Forgetful doctor
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
***************************************************************
Irishman on couch
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture."
**************************************************************
Car park
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
******************************************************************************************************************
Tequila shots
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
****************************************************************
Way to Cork
Irish Signpost, County Cork, Ireland
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
**************************************************************
Dog walker
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
************************************************************************
READ MORE
When is St Patrick's Day 2018? What is it, who is Saint Patrick and how to celebrate the Irish event
**********************************************
Doughnuts
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
*************************************************************
Obituary
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
*******************************************************************
Whiskey
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
***********************************************************************
City workers
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
****************************************************************************
Manhole
Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!"
Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."
*****************************************************************************
Indicators
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
hxxps://www.irishmirror.ie/whats-on/comedy-news/irish-funny-jokes-best-ever-3259755
Local Priest*******
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
************************************************************************************
Drunk priest
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!" credit to Ice Wizard for this one
***************************************************************************************************
READ MORE
26 things Irish people always do as soon as the sun comes out
*******************************8
Forgetful doctor
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
***************************************************************
Irishman on couch
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture."
**************************************************************
Car park
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
******************************************************************************************************************
Tequila shots
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
****************************************************************
Way to Cork
Irish Signpost, County Cork, Ireland
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
**************************************************************
Dog walker
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
************************************************************************
READ MORE
When is St Patrick's Day 2018? What is it, who is Saint Patrick and how to celebrate the Irish event
**********************************************
Doughnuts
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
*************************************************************
Obituary
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
*******************************************************************
Whiskey
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
***********************************************************************
City workers
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
****************************************************************************
Manhole
Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!"
Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."
*****************************************************************************
Indicators
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
hxxps://www.irishmirror.ie/whats-on/comedy-news/irish-funny-jokes-best-ever-3259755
It is Well with My Soul