There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.
So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who:
1) would treat her nicely,
2) wouldn't run away from her, and
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring.
She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't
have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you".
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
*************************************************************
![[Image: THRq6JT.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/THRq6JT.jpg)
*************************************************************
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door
in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" says the little boy.
As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".
The little boy says "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
*************************************************************
![[Image: n1iyTTq.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/n1iyTTq.jpg)
*************************************************************
The wife shouted at me the other day:
"We never talk, we live like strangers in the same house. All you do is watch your stupid rugby on TV and
drink your damn beer! You show absolutely zero interest in me!"
I said "That's not true honey, I know you well, I love you!"
Rather unexpectedly (and regrettably for me), she said
"OK then, smartarse, how about a little test? What's my favourite flower?"
I really tried hard. I sat. I thought as much as I could. After a few more seconds, and
with her standing hands on hips, and with her eyebrows raised, I muttered
" Self-Raising, isn't it?"
*************************************************************
George was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ...
She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....
Something she just loved to do.
As George was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ...... She Replied .....
"I Really Miss Mine"
*************************************************************
It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across
France by train to board his ship for home.
The train was quite crowded and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired".
She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word.
He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor!
This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out of the window".
*************************************************************
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up,
I'll eat every chunk of it".
She turns to him with a smirk and says "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says "Why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet".
*************************************************************
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So, she found out from her local tech college what was involved,
signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that
she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,
but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting".
The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."
So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who:
1) would treat her nicely,
2) wouldn't run away from her, and
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring.
She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't
have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you".
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
*************************************************************
*************************************************************
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door
in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" says the little boy.
As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".
The little boy says "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
*************************************************************
*************************************************************
The wife shouted at me the other day:
"We never talk, we live like strangers in the same house. All you do is watch your stupid rugby on TV and
drink your damn beer! You show absolutely zero interest in me!"
I said "That's not true honey, I know you well, I love you!"
Rather unexpectedly (and regrettably for me), she said
"OK then, smartarse, how about a little test? What's my favourite flower?"
I really tried hard. I sat. I thought as much as I could. After a few more seconds, and
with her standing hands on hips, and with her eyebrows raised, I muttered
" Self-Raising, isn't it?"
*************************************************************
George was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ...
She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....
Something she just loved to do.
As George was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ...... She Replied .....
"I Really Miss Mine"
*************************************************************
It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across
France by train to board his ship for home.
The train was quite crowded and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired".
She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word.
He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor!
This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out of the window".
*************************************************************
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up,
I'll eat every chunk of it".
She turns to him with a smirk and says "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says "Why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet".
*************************************************************
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So, she found out from her local tech college what was involved,
signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that
she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,
but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting".
The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit