Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA, says "My answer is, there IS no answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test,the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes,"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,

She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL : Don't mess with the little woman !!!!!!!!


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My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first I thought she was joking.

But then, I saw her face.

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Doctor to Lady, during her medical examination:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are all fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

Lady started taking off her clothes . . .

Doctor stopping her: "No! No! Please don't remove your clothes..


JUST SHOW ME YOUR TONGUE!"


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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me..  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


*******************


Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


*******************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.  'Where are ye callin' from?'


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An Irish priest is driving down to  New York    and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!  What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


*******************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning,

Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ........

it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! 
From one unstable person to another...