09-15-2019, 05:18 PM
My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first I thought she was joking.
But then, I saw her face.
************************************************************
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realises that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens!
"No problem" he says to himself "I still have my emergency chute". So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks "I'm a goner!"
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for".
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other man replies "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
************************************************************
On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman.
"The trouble with you Brit's is that you're stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother".
************************************************************
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
The first little boy said "Alligator".
"Very good James, that's a big word".
The second boy said "Predator".
"Yes, that's another big word, Josh. Very well done".
Little Johnny says "Vibrator".
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything".
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
************************************************************
A man received an e-mail from his neighbour :
"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you're not at home.
In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
I will ask your permission in the future.
Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.
A few minutes later he received another e-mail:
"Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife. Damn auto correct"
************************************************************
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
************************************************************
Chuck Norris
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience
A leading brand hand sanitizer claims it can kill 99.9 % of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.
It's been said that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer--Chuck hasn't cried yet .
Chuck Norris once killed an army of 1000 men with 2 shots. The first one was a warning, which they ignored.
Chuck Norris is so fast , he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris can hit 11 out of 10 targets with only 9 bullets
Chuck Norris made sand castles when he was a kid--we know them today as the Pyramids
Chuck Norris once gave his horse an uppercut--that's how come we have giraffes today.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the Doctor. Never, ever, slap Chuck Norris.
At first I thought she was joking.
But then, I saw her face.
************************************************************
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realises that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens!
"No problem" he says to himself "I still have my emergency chute". So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks "I'm a goner!"
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for".
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other man replies "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
************************************************************
On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman.
"The trouble with you Brit's is that you're stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother".
************************************************************
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
The first little boy said "Alligator".
"Very good James, that's a big word".
The second boy said "Predator".
"Yes, that's another big word, Josh. Very well done".
Little Johnny says "Vibrator".
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything".
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
************************************************************
A man received an e-mail from his neighbour :
"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you're not at home.
In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
I will ask your permission in the future.
Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.
A few minutes later he received another e-mail:
"Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife. Damn auto correct"
************************************************************
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
************************************************************
Chuck Norris
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience
A leading brand hand sanitizer claims it can kill 99.9 % of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.
It's been said that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer--Chuck hasn't cried yet .
Chuck Norris once killed an army of 1000 men with 2 shots. The first one was a warning, which they ignored.
Chuck Norris is so fast , he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris can hit 11 out of 10 targets with only 9 bullets
Chuck Norris made sand castles when he was a kid--we know them today as the Pyramids
Chuck Norris once gave his horse an uppercut--that's how come we have giraffes today.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the Doctor. Never, ever, slap Chuck Norris.
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit