07-24-2019, 08:30 PM
How do you kill a blue elephant ?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant ?
Tie a pink rope around it's neck and choke it until it turns blue--
then you shoot it with your blue elephant gun
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework"
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof!
She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family.
Poof!
She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
****************************************************************
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
****************************************************************
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
****************************************************************
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"It's the Blind man!" came the answer.
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?"
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
****************************************************************
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate" he stated.
"Why yes" she replied "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church".
The pastor replied "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered "$10,000 a week".
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian" she answered".
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money" the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly "In Nevada.... he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno".
****************************************************************
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy....
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant ?
Tie a pink rope around it's neck and choke it until it turns blue--
then you shoot it with your blue elephant gun
****************************************************************
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework"
****************************************************************
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof!
She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family.
Poof!
She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
****************************************************************
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
****************************************************************
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
****************************************************************
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"It's the Blind man!" came the answer.
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?"
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
****************************************************************
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate" he stated.
"Why yes" she replied "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church".
The pastor replied "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered "$10,000 a week".
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian" she answered".
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money" the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly "In Nevada.... he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno".
****************************************************************
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy....
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
An Australian, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says "We're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request".
He says to the Welshman "What's your last request?" The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'".
"What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. "I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot.
"What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman. "I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.
Turning to the Australian, he says "And your last request?" The Aussie says "For f**ks sake mate, shoot me first!"
He says to the Welshman "What's your last request?" The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'".
"What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. "I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot.
"What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman. "I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.
Turning to the Australian, he says "And your last request?" The Aussie says "For f**ks sake mate, shoot me first!"
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit