07-04-2019, 01:02 PM
Why Americans don't eat snails?
They prefer fast food
******************************************
Two detectives from Manhattan South were assigned a mugging case in an alley off Wall Street.
They arrived and talked to the victim, a turtle named Arthur.
"You were mugged?" the first detective says.
"Yes," the turtle sniffed, "By a gang of snails!"
"Tell us what happened," the second detective said.
"I don't know," the turtle sighed, "It all happened so fast!"
******************************************
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered".
"Sir" replied the doctor "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
******************************************
I accidentally shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.
Judge: "This is a very serious crime.
Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
Me: "Yes your Honor, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once I realized
the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what my late father said.
'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so
I took it home and fed my family for a day".
Judge: "Yeah... yeah... that's very moving young man and, under the circumstances,
I'm prepared to admonish you but... just before you step down...
I'm curious, what did it taste like?"
Me: "Hard to say Your Honor, kind of like a cross between an Osprey and a Peregrine".
******************************************
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well,
so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field ploughing and feel a yearning for your wife
don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and
go to the house" said the doctor.
"I tried that" said the farmer "But by the time I get to the house,
I am so tuckered out, it's no use".
The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you
leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun
and she will come down there where you are".
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days" said the farmer
"But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".
******************************************
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A tunee fish!
******************************************
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
******************************************
A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He could not control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry
your TV remote with you?"
She replied "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany
me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote".
MORAL: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.
The story continues...
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said "Your husband has blocked your credit card".
MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.
Story continues...
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it.
Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card.
MORAL: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE.
Story continues...
After swiping, the machine indicated
'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.
MORAL: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!
Story continues...
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.
She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.
She bought her items and returned home happily.
MORAL: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!
Story continues...
On getting home, his car was gone.
A note was pasted on the door:
"Couldn't find the remote.
Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match.
Will be home late.
Call me on my phone if you need something".
Damn... he left with the house key too.
MORAL: Don't try to control your husband.
You will always lose.
They prefer fast food
******************************************
Two detectives from Manhattan South were assigned a mugging case in an alley off Wall Street.
They arrived and talked to the victim, a turtle named Arthur.
"You were mugged?" the first detective says.
"Yes," the turtle sniffed, "By a gang of snails!"
"Tell us what happened," the second detective said.
"I don't know," the turtle sighed, "It all happened so fast!"
******************************************
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered".
"Sir" replied the doctor "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
******************************************
I accidentally shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.
Judge: "This is a very serious crime.
Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
Me: "Yes your Honor, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once I realized
the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what my late father said.
'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so
I took it home and fed my family for a day".
Judge: "Yeah... yeah... that's very moving young man and, under the circumstances,
I'm prepared to admonish you but... just before you step down...
I'm curious, what did it taste like?"
Me: "Hard to say Your Honor, kind of like a cross between an Osprey and a Peregrine".
******************************************
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well,
so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field ploughing and feel a yearning for your wife
don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and
go to the house" said the doctor.
"I tried that" said the farmer "But by the time I get to the house,
I am so tuckered out, it's no use".
The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you
leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun
and she will come down there where you are".
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days" said the farmer
"But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".
******************************************
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A tunee fish!
******************************************
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
******************************************
A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He could not control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry
your TV remote with you?"
She replied "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany
me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote".
MORAL: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.
The story continues...
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said "Your husband has blocked your credit card".
MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.
Story continues...
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it.
Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card.
MORAL: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE.
Story continues...
After swiping, the machine indicated
'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.
MORAL: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!
Story continues...
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.
She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.
She bought her items and returned home happily.
MORAL: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!
Story continues...
On getting home, his car was gone.
A note was pasted on the door:
"Couldn't find the remote.
Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match.
Will be home late.
Call me on my phone if you need something".
Damn... he left with the house key too.
MORAL: Don't try to control your husband.
You will always lose.
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit