Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

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A gang of thieves are stealing clothes by size,
so far they are still at large. !

Did you know baseball is the first sport mentioned n the Bible?          
Yep, in Genesis it says, “In the big inning!”


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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted".

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven".

Dolly was outraged and asked "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly" said the Angel "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!"



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A  guy knocked on my front door today asking for donations toward a new public swimming pool.  
I gave him a glass of water.


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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.

They had been silent for a while, then the lass said "A penny for your thoughts".

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss".

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him "What are ye thinkin' now?"

To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"



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I just spent $350 dollars on a limousine but then found out it doesn’t come with a driver!
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it


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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?    
About halfway.



A shipment of Viagra has been stolen from a storage warehouse.  
The Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.



Someone stole the Police Depts. toilet.  
As yet, the investigators have nothing to go on.



I went to the shops to get 8 cans of Sprite,
but when I got home, I realized I had only picked 7up



I quit eating alphabet soup as it was giving me loose vowel movements,
I am always worried my next trip to the toilet could spell disaster



I got the words jacuzzi and yakusa confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.



A recent study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I think that must be true because I can't remember when I last ate a monkey.



I went to the Library and asked did they have any books on turtles.
'Hardback". they asked  
"Yes , with those little legs too."



I looked in the mirror this morning and either my head is shrinking,
or the rest of me is getting fatter.



I put my granny on speed dial--
I call that Instagran



In case you didn't know, Yoda's last name is "Layheehoo"


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For years I was addicted to doing the hokey cokey

but I've turned myself around,
and that's what it's all about

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
“My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was,
but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.



The next morning, he asks what it is,
but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk,
how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”



The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.”



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,

“The sound is right behind that door.”



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.


So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.


Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.



But I can’t tell you what it is because
you’re not a monk!