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+--- Thread: Humorous Smilies (/showthread.php?tid=319)
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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-19-2015
Why Condoms Come In Packs Of 3,
6 Or 12 ...
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-
year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom
display, and the boy asks, "What are these,
Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes,
I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in
this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses
THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for
March......."
****************************
The Irish Girl
An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff,iff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold
Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club."
She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Caribbean ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad
The Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff. .
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to
death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug!"
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-20-2015
A Priest was being honored at his
retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents;
embezzled from his employer; had an affair
with his bosss wife; had sex with his bosss
17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so
many awful things. But as the days went on,
I learned that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being
late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
***************************
Lone Ranger gets captured....
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are
the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honor of the
Harvest Festival, You will be executed in
three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you
three requests" "What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a
beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the
Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is
again impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents," "But I will still kill you
tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the
eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully You Stupid Horse!!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME ...I
SAID ...."BRING POSSE!!"
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 07-21-2015
..............................perspective is everything
Yeah, that's Arnold!
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-21-2015
Zig Hiel!! ... You go arnold! ... You gotta admit the pic shows "talent" does it not ...lol
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-22-2015
How the Wife Thinks
Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They have
been doing tests and taking X-rays. The
blow to my head though very strong, should
not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a
compound fracture of the left leg and they
may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers
crossed!"
Wife's Response (by text):
"Who's Paula?"
****************************
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in
Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State
University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across
a young bull elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter
worked the wood out with his knife, after
which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and
with a rather curious look on its face, stared
at him for several tense moments. Peter
stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the
man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 07-22-2015
it's a lot cooler in here
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 07-24-2015
oops, caught in the act!
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 07-25-2015
just hanging around!
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 07-26-2015
These are dedicated to Ice,
Random Thoughts
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in
a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195
lbs. I've gained.
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who
does something like that?"
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is
inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in
Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all
this, "how did you get in my house" crap!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to
get me something.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
tattoos.
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a
women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-26-2015
Those are just great Popster!
A Message For the Digital Age
Daughter to Dad ... (by txt)
Daddy, I am coming home to get married
soon. Get out your check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp,
he proposed to me on Skype, and now
we've had two months of relationship
through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your
blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
LOL and TKS,
Your favorite daughter, Lilly
---------
Dads reply ....(also by texting)
My Dear Lilly:
Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever.....,
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids
on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new
husband, sell him on EBay.
Your favorite, Daddy