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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 03-01-2016

Is it Irish Alzhiemers?

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".

The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all!"

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat!"


******************************

[Image: xE4CzK0.jpg]


A Few Quick Ones

My friend is a telemarketer. Sometimes, when he's relaxing or having a meal, I'll call him out of the blue and pi$$ him off.



My sister-in-law is 10 years older than the wife but absolutely stunning. "You're only saying that because of all her cosmetics," said my wife. "But if you woke up next to her in the morning with no make-up on, you'd be really surprised."

I was - I hadn't even realized she fancied me.



A Scots doctor has just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine for discovering an infallible cure for seasickness: When you feel sick, just lean over the side of the ship with a folded $50 note in your mouth.



Despite common misconception, only 45% of Americans are classed as overweight. The other 55% are obese.



Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.



A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it's cute. If I do it, I'm a bloody alcoholic.


My favorite

After my thorough Prostate Examination, the Doctor left.

Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man ever wants to hear:

"Who was that?"....

RE: Humorous Smilies - Jade239 - 03-01-2016

Oh stopp..... Smile  know those are lid / laid back dogs , but lol wow....    
No animal such have been hurt in this picture. ...

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 03-01-2016

i liked them. Had no idea where u were taking us, Ice with the one about the hat.

Cute.

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 03-01-2016

So... Where do you go?

[Image: zzzz_insanesigns.jpg]


Actually.. My G-Parents used to give this to me when I got a cold... Taste aweful!!

[Image: zzzz_666cold.jpg]


Surely they are passing out pamphlets?

[Image: zzzadultbookstore.jpg]


Really?

[Image: zrestofhim.jpg]


I think I've eaten here

[Image: zlickachick.jpg]


You don't say

[Image: zdeadend.JPG]


We've more than likely said this a time or two

[Image: zduckduck.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 03-01-2016

Ok... This well may have been posted, but Irish jokes just strike me funny... Well all jokes strike me funny Smile


An Irishman cand be funny and sober.
......Just not at the same time !


So this Irishman walks out of a bar. No, really, it COULD happen.


A modest young Irish lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes Madame," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"

"Braille," she replied, innocently lowering her lashes.

-------------------------------------------------------

Aer Lingus (The Irish National Airline) recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

---------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park.They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.

Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."

Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."

Mary: "It's so terrible."

Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?"

Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight."

Patrick: "So, what is it?"

Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn prostitute!"

Patrick: "WHAT!"

Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"

Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"

Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand.I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a whore."

Patrick: "Oh! You. Well, that's OK. For a moment I thought you said 'Protestant'!"

---------------------------------------------------------

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have Sinned."

"You've Sinned?"

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me sin?"

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

----------------------------------------------------

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break.

On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way out of the east gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.

As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?"

..............wait for it.....................

The German replied, "It's very simple, I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."

---------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the best ten years in an Irishman’s life?

A. Third grade.


Q: How many Irish husbands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Irish men aren't afraid of the dark!


Q: What's an Irish seven-course meal?

A: A boiled potato and a six-pack.

RE: Humorous Smilies - Jade239 - 03-03-2016

Funny guys.... I am very Irish and love those jokes. Thanks for the laugh..

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 03-03-2016

If you haven't seen this dog vid... You just have to... It's freakin awesome!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=nGeKSiCQkPw

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 03-04-2016

Ok.... Hope y'all saw that dog! It's hilarious! Looks like you'll need to copy/paste the link though... Anyway...

*************************

There was this church's bell ringer that had died and the guy that lived across the street saw his chanch to get his dream job.

So he asked the priest,"Father, can I be your new bell ringer?"

And the priest said,"But, my son, you have no arms to pull the rope."

The man said,"But at least let me try!"

The priest said,"Well it's almost 3... Let's see what you can do."

With all the excitement he could muster, he ran to the bell tower and told the priest,"Back up father!" and he ran face first into the bell..

"BONG"

The whole left side of his face swelled up, but before the priest could stop him, he ran into the bell again...

"BONG"

The whole right side of his face swelled so bad he couldn't even see, yet he ran toward the bell again with full force.

This time, not being able to see, he missed the bell and fell to his death down below.

By the time the priest got to him, a cop was there asking if anyone knew who he was...

The priest looked down and said,"No... But his face rings a bell!"

ok... I know that's bad BUT he had a twin brother and believe it or not, had the same fate... One.. Two... And out the window..

This time the cop asked if he knew this guy and the priest said.....

Wait for it....

"No... But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

:0
Sister Mary Ann

[Image: dOZSLWm.jpg][/url]
 
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that their only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait... and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient! 

Alway's resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts , I'm turning Catholic!"

RE: Humorous Smilies - Jc_Aloha - 03-05-2016

This just happened... Now I'm out of hairspray and I've lost the intruder.

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 03-05-2016

bugs and i don't see eye to eyes, so to speak.

i used to catch them all. put them back outside.

that just did not always work. good luck.

that is one icky pooh pete bug, though, i tell u what.