Ireland is the only country in the world where there
are protesters outside AA meetings.

“What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? 
Gaelic breath.”

“What do you call a huge Irish spider?   
A Paddy-long-legs.”

“What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween?
BOOOOOOs.”

Did you hear about the Irishman who took his car for its first service?
He got it stuck between the church doors!

Foreplay, in Ireland, is the technical term for taking your socks off.

At Dublin Airport, a jet-setting  ‘Merican left a  jumbo jet,
setting herself to finding a taxi.
Proud of the fancy new buildings popping up in her hometown – and
keen to play the tour guide, the taxi woman pointed out the capital’s
latest shopping mall. A gleaming structure of glass and steel.

“You call that a shopping mall?”,
the ‘Merican guffawed.
“Why back where I come from, the shopping malls are at
least twice that size!”.

They drove on.

As they approached Dublin’s biggest steakhouse,
the taxi driver pointed it out.

To which the ‘Merican replied
“Why, that’s your biggest?! 
We got steakhouses five times that size!”   
(yep, she's from Texas)

Disheartened, the driver fell silent for the rest of the journey.

As they neared the ‘Merican’s hotel, she decided to give it one last try,
pointing to a large white building enclosed by a tall fence.

“One of Dublin’s main hospitals, that one.”

“You gotta be kidding me! 
Back where I come from, we got hospitals ten times that size!”

“Bloody sure you do:
That’s our mental hospital!”



“My  dad  used  to  say, 
“Whatever  doesn’t  kill  you,  makes  you stronger.”

.....Well he used to, before his accident.”

The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort,
but it failed.
They ran out of scaffolding.

Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup,
a famous Australian horse race.
He also lost another hundred on the television replay.


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen,
'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece ?'

'No,' said the husband,
'but I'm getting closer all the time.'


The Doctor was puzzled,
'I'm very sorry Mr. O'Flaherty,
but I can't diagnose your trouble. 
I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr. Cullen,
I'll come back when you're sober.' said O'Flaherty.


An Irish lass, a customer: 
Could I be trying on that dress in the window ?'
Shopkeeper: 
'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'


'O'Halloran' asked the pharmacist,
'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'.
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran,
'but it keeps fallin' off.'

Definition of an Irish husband ?
A man who hasn't kissed his wife in twenty years,
but he'll kill the man who does.