+- IOPList.Org (https://www.ioplist.org)
+-- Forum: Off Topic (https://www.ioplist.org/forumdisplay.php?fid=25)
+--- Forum: The Lounge (https://www.ioplist.org/forumdisplay.php?fid=26)
+--- Thread: Humorous Smilies (/showthread.php?tid=319)
Pages:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
214
215
216
217
218
219
220
221
222
223
224
225
226
227
228
229
230
231
232
233
234
235
236
237
238
239
240
241
242
243
244
245
246
247
248
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
256
257
258
259
260
261
262
263
264
265
266
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291
292
293
294
295
296
297
298
299
300
301
302
303
304
305
306
307
308
309
310
311
312
313
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
323
324
325
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
349
350
351
352
353
354
355
356
357
358
359
360
361
362
363
364
365
366
367
368
369
370
371
372
373
374
375
376
377
378
379
380
381
382
383
384
385
386
387
388
389
390
391
392
393
394
395
396
397
398
399
400
401
402
403
404
405
406
407
408
409
410
411
412
413
414
415
416
417
418
419
420
421
422
423
424
425
426
427
428
429
430
431
432
433
434
435
436
437
438
439
440
441
442
443
444
445
446
447
448
449
450
451
452
453
454
455
456
457
458
459
460
461
462
463
464
465
466
467
468
469
470
471
472
473
474
475
476
477
478
479
480
481
482
483
484
485
486
487
488
489
490
491
492
493
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 06-17-2023
Yeah... I fingered out a way to stick those memes together, add a
non copyrighted tune and crop them before I resized them ...
Got the idea from a "Terry Soloman" ..
Keeps me off the streets
Ice
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 06-17-2023
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 06-17-2023
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 06-17-2023
One night a man is driving down and old country road.
He comes across what looks like a Catholic mission in the middle of nowhere. On an old hand-written sign he sees "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution".
He's been on a bit of a dry spell so he thinks, "What the hell, I gotta see this!"
He pulls over and knocks on the door. A young, beautiful sister in her 20's comes to the door and asks what he needs. He tells her he saw the sign and was interested.
The sister blushes, and says to come in. The guy is thinking this is gonna be great. He asks her how much and she just says, go through this door and follow the signs.
So he goes through the door and sees a sign that says "Deposit $20.00" next to a hole in the wall. He does so, and another door unlocks. He proceeds through it to see another sign that says the same.
After 3 more of these rooms he's getting impatient when he walks through the final door, he finds himself outside with a sign near the parking area that reads, " Congratulations, you've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 06-17-2023
I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”
He said, “Of course. Which one?”
I said, “William.”
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 06-17-2023
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 06-17-2023
Book Title: Fifty Yard Dash to the Outhouse
Written by: Wilie Makeit
Illustrated by: Betty Wont
Other books in the series:
Yellow River by I.P. Freely
Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 06-17-2023
"Antlers in the Treetops"
by HooGoose the Moose
RE: Humorous Smilies - NovemberRain - 06-17-2023
Thank you! These are all hilarious!
'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
HA! HA! HA!
“Which one?”
“William.”
BA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 06-17-2023