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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-25-2015

Merry Christmas to all as well...
My friends...

Ice

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-26-2015

A Guy Walks into a Bar

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “168.”

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.

The robot asks, “What’s your drink?"

The guy answers, “Whiskey.”

The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies, “100.”

The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Yankees, and girls.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.

He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.

The man replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man answers, “50.”

The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So . . . are . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?”

(or ... more up-to-date ..... "Are you people still voting for Jeb Bush?")
[Image: xxikmT8.jpg]


Move That Car

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband
and wife were listening to the radio during
breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.

The wife said, "Have to be responsible" as
she ran out the door and moved her car.

The husband silently refocused on his
newspaper and orange juice and shook his
head.

The following morning, with the winter storm
still in full force, they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are
expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.

The wife went out and moved her car again.

The husband, ruffles his sports page, "harrumphs" , and shakes his head.

The next morning again they are having
breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
today. You must park on the ...."

Then the electric power went out.

The wife was very upset, and with a worried
look on her face she said, "I don't know
what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snow plows can get
through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Now honey,

Why don't you just leave the car in the
garage this time!"

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-26-2015

that's terrible, Ice. but, funny. i could not figure out where it was going.

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-30-2015

[Image: selfie-dogs.jpg]

[Image: alergic-to-food-i-break-out-in-fat.jpg]

WHY DON'T YOU GET A CLOSER LOOK
[Image: leopard-attack.gif]

[Image: stuff-your-face.jpg]

[Image: cow-from-behind.jpg]

[Image: cat-pooped-in-shoe.jpg]

[Image: its-the-cops-flush-the-catnip.jpg]

[Image: cheating-level-expert.jpg]

[Image: prank-call.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-30-2015

i like them!! especially the last few. the "it's done..." phone call. i could see me doing that.

maybe not.

thank u willie. hope ur holiday is continuing?

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-30-2015

Willie... Those are great! I'm still a chuckling...

Like Charon said... I can really use....lol

Ice

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-30-2015

[Image: 0tCb7WU.jpg]


A Few Short Ones

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show.

”Ooh,” said the presenter, “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers -taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks.” said Paddy.

******************************************
While the bikini is often credited to being invented in Hawaii, historians have discovered that its true origins were actually in Israel.

Offended that the one piece bathing suit covered multiple parts of a woman, the Orthodox Jews came up with the idea of a bikini in order to separate meat from dairy.

***************************************

"I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump!" I said to my friend.

"What, a suicide bomber?" he asked.

"No, a surface to hair missile!", I replied.

***************************************

My girlfriend asked me on the September Long Weekend, when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her.

I said,"Back in 08."

(It sounds much better than August.)

***********************************

A blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay.

A fellow just rang up and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's massive!"

He said, "How many feet?"

She said,"None!.It's a freakin snake!!"

**************************************

Blue, White and Red are supposed to symbolize freedom.

Well, they do, until you see those lights in your rear view mirror.

***************************************

We have a sensory deprivation chamber built into our house.

Although the wife prefers to call it a bedroom.

***************************************

In keeping with the St Paddy's spirit, the lad decided to cook himself an Irish mixed grill.

Mash potato, roast potato, fried potato and
chips.

***************************************

What do you call a line of men waiting for a
haircut?
A barbeque.

***************************************

If at first you don't succeed,
do it the way your wife told you!

***************************************

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.

With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men.

The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read it...

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules --

Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way!"

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-30-2015

[Image: cool-wheelchair.jpg]

[Image: small-dog-mating-with-a-big-dog.jpg]

[Image: snoring-quote-funny.jpg]

[Image: who-is-grumpy-cat.jpg]

[Image: soup-of-the-day-whiskey.jpg]

[Image: never-fight-with-an-ugly-person.jpg]

[Image: american-football-name-fail.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - Reddington - 12-31-2015

(12-31-2015, 05:23 AM)Kittycat Wrote: Willie, you have outdone yourself. <3

[img]webkit-fake-url://5e9b06e0-988d-4e36-8b32-6b51341d5f18/imagepng[/img]
   
Sorry my tech knowledge is horrible but I finally got it!

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 01-03-2016

[Image: funny-alcohol-sign.jpg]

[Image: funny-baby.jpg]

[Image: bacon-alarm-clock.jpg]

[Image: ill-get-my-own-damn-food-cat.jpg]

[Image: dog-fight.gif]

[Image: bird-farts.jpg]

[Image: walmart.jpg]

[Image: youre-arewsome-care-dirt.jpg]

[Image: funny-fishing.jpg]