A Case of Irish Alzheimers


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said,
"Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
What made ya come?"

Murphy said,
"I got to be honest with you Father,
a while back, I misplaced me hat
and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just
like mine and I knew he came to
church every Sunday. I also knew
that he had to take off his hat during
Mass and figured he would leave it
in the back of church. So, I was
going to leave after Communion
and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said,
"Well, Murphy, I notice that ya
didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied,
"Well, after I heard your sermon
on the Ten Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to
steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest
gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
ya decided you would rather do
without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head.

 
"No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'
I remembered where I left me hat."

Insults, Funny Sayings, Words of Wisdom?



Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.

I'd grow my own food if I could only find bacon seeds.

First rule of cleaning:
While listening to music,
the toilet brush is never the microphone ... NEVER !!!

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me.
Then plug me back in. See if that works.

When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.
This is known as "many paws".

Telling a woman to calm down works about as well
as trying to baptize a cat.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today ...
that's 7 years in a row.

Some days the supply of curse words is
insufficient to meet my demands.

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

I'm going to stop asking
"How dumb can you get."
People seem to take it as a challenge.

If I say I will do it, I WILL DO IT !!!
There's no need to remind me every 6 months.

You know that little thing inside your head that keeps
you from saying things you shouldn't?
Yeah, I don't have one of those.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say
"Hey look ... that one is shaped like an idiot."

I can't play stupid with you,
you're too good at it.

Tomorrow:
A mythical land where I get all my stuff done.

And yet, despite the look on my face you're still talking.

Crazy is like diarrhea,
you can only hold it in for so long.

I am who I am ...
your approval is not necessary.

In order to insult me,
I must first value your opinion ...
nice try though.

Exercise?
I thought you said EXTRA FRIES.

I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

Saving one cat will not change the world,
but for that cat ... the world will change forever.

I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

Remember back when Sarah Palin was the
craziest person in politics? GOOD TIMES!!!

Never laugh at your wife's choices ...
Remember you are one of them.

I would like to thank my middle finger for
always sticking up for me when I needed it.

Go braless ...
it will pull the wrinkles out of your face.

After Monday and Tuesday,
even the calendar says W.T.F.

You call them swear words,
I call them sentence enhancers.

Sorry I'm late ... I didn't want to come.

Fun fact:
alcohol increases the size of the send button by 86%.

What's a home without a cat?
It's just a house - And who wants that?

An American Soldier Returns for RnR



He'd been servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I and ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d
fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.
Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d
wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌,
s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e
trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a
wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d
wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog.

Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌,
"Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e
a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌,
"Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌.
Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌,
lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌,
bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌,
h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again.

Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌,
"Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired."



Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌,
"Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌,
yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌;
h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g
an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n
an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌,
raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e
defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier.

A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e
aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌,

"Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o
hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌.
Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌,
yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d
an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e
wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

9 Deadly Words Used By Women


1 ) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.

2 ) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have been given
five more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.

3 ) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4 ) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5 ) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are
an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6 ) That's Okay
That is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long
and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.

7 ) Thanks
A woman thanking you, do not question, or faint.
Just say you're welcome.
(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says
'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome',
that will bring on a 'whatever').

8 ) Whatever
Is a woman's way of saying F- YOU!

9 ) Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that
a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to #3.

She asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day,
when she calls her brother to see how things are going,
he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics,
before saying,
"You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly.
You should break the news gently.

The first day, you should have said that Fluffy
was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down.

The second day, you could have said that
she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay.

THEN on the third day you could have said that
she died from complications!"

The next day,
the woman calls her brother again
and asks how things are.

He says,
"Well, Grandma is stuck on the
roof and can't get down ..."