The In's and Out's
of Growing OLD





Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years. 

If you can't think of a word say
"I forgot the English word for it."
That way people will think you're bilingual
instead of an idiot. 

I'm at a place in my life where errands are
starting to count as going out. 

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event. 

I don't always go the extra mile,
but when I do it's because I missed my exit. 
 
I just did a week's worth of cardio
after walking into a spider web. 

I don't mean to brag,
but I finished my 14-day diet food supply
in 3 hours and 20 minutes. 


Kids today don't know how easy they have it.
When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet
through shag carpet to change the TV channel. 

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time
it was below freezing outside they closed school?
Yeah, Me neither. 

I love being old.
I learn something new every day
and forget 5 other things. 

I think I'll just put an
"Out of Order" sticker on my forehead
and call it a day. 

Just remember,
once you're over the hill
you begin to pick up speed. 

Having plans sounds like a good idea
until you have to put on clothes
and leave the house. 

It's weird being the same age as old people. 

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...
this is not what I expected. 

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter. 

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult. 

Marriage Counselor:
Your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Is that true?
Me:
To be honest,
I never knew she sold flowers. 

Never sing in the shower!
Singing leads to dancing,
dancing leads to slipping,
and slipping leads to paramedics
seeing you naked.
So remember … don’t sing! 

I see people about my age mountain climbing;
I feel good getting my leg through my underwear
without losing my balance. 

So if a cow doesn't produce milk,
is it a milk dud or an udder failure? 

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29,
my humor suggests I'm 12,
while my body mostly keeps asking if
I'm sure I'm not dead yet. 

You don't realize how old you are
until you sit on the floor and
then try to get back up.


*****

Dedicated to Amber Heard


After a night of drinking,
Brian crept into bed beside his wife
who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke,
he found a strange man standing at the
end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?"
demanded Brian,
"And what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered,
"This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter."

Brian was stunned,
"You mean I'm dead!?
That can't be;
I have so much to live for.
I haven't said goodbye to my family
and friends. You've got to send me
back straight away!!"

St. Peter replied,
"Yes, you can be reincarnated
but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as
a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated,
but knowing there was a farm not far
from his house, he asked to be sent back
as a hen.

A flash of light later,
he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground.

This isn't so bad he thought,
until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
"So you are the new hen.
How are you enjoying your first day here? "

"It's not so bad."
replies Brian
"But I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode!"

"You’re ovulating."
explained the rooster,
"Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before."

"Never"
replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he
experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg,
the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
was the best thing that had happened to him ever!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to
lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on
the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ...

"Brian, wake up ye drunken bastage,
you're shatting in the bed".