A man is walking down a dark street
when behind him he hears:


Bump! BUMP! BUMP!


Walking faster,
he looks back and through the fog he
makes out the image of an upright casket
banging its way down the
middle of the street toward him!!


BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!


Terrified, the man begins to run
toward his home,
the casket bouncing quickly behind him.


FASTER! FASTER!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!


He runs up to his door,
fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However,
the casket crashes through his door,
with the lid of the casket clapping.


Clappity-BUMP!

Clappity-BUMP!

Clappity-BUMP!


On his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,
the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding,
his head is reeling,
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something,
anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and...

the coffin stops.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.

She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell
me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal
and her Physician, Dr. Cohen,
has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me sh!t."

Shanghai Lockdown

So as the covid related lockdown continues the residents are
getting increasingly angry and upset about their inability to
leave their homes, and have taken to yelling and
singing out their windows.

Xi Jinping wants to see what all the the fuss is about so he
goes to Shanghai and makes his way to a public square
surrounded by apartment buildings and hears all the
complaining and singing. He asks the residents,
"What is your problem? What do you want?"

The residents yell back,
"We can't leave our homes!
We haven't been able to go shopping for weeks
We want supplies!"

Soon all the residents join in, chanting,
"We want supplies!, We want supplies!"

Xi hears this and says,
"Okay! You want supplies?
Tomorrow I promise you will get supplies here!"

The next day the residents wake up and see nothing
in the square except a giant cake.

The residents look at it for a while until some of them
work up the nerve to leave their apartments and
go to the square.

The look at the crate apprehensively and finally approach,
when they get close enough Xi Jinping jumps out of the cake and yells
"SUPPLIES!!!"


*****


Helpful hint #420


If you're experiencing joint pain,
you're probably holding the lit end.


*****


My local drug dealer started dressing up as a
Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police
saw people actually letting him in.


*****


An artist goes on stage to receive an award..

I wanna thank my legs,
for supporting me.

My arms,
for always being by my side.

My fingers,
because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks,
for keeping me off the street.

A Little Scamp


A boss wondered why one of his most valued
employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the
main computers, he dialed the employee's
cell phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?"
the boss asked.

"Yes,"
whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered,
"No."

Surprised and wanting to
talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes,"
whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered,
"No."

Hoping there was somebody
with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked,
"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes,"
whispered the child,
"A policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing
at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy",
whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and
Mommy and the Fireman,"
the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter."
answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?"
demanded the boss,
now truly apprehensive.

Again,
whispering,
the child answered,
"The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed,
concerned and a little frustrated
the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering,
the young voice replied
with a muffled giggle.
"ME.!!

World's Best Mathematical Dog

Skeptical, a passerby asks,
"What makes your dog so mathematical?"

"Just watch this!"
replies the man smugly.
"Koro, what's three minus two?"

"Wan!"
barks the dog,
as all Japanese dogs do.

"What's four plus seven?"

"Wan wan!"
barks the dog.

"See? One one! Eleven!
Koro's a mathematical genius!"

Unimpressed, the passerby says,
"Okay, but how about this?
What's three hundred seventy-two
times sixty-eight?"

"Wan wan bark woof arf
woof woof bark grrrrrrr woof!"
barks the dog.

The passerby demands,
"Well? What does that mean?"

"He says he needs a calculator."


*****



A Group of Terrorists Took Over a Small Village


And being the evil, sadistic terrorists they were,
they decided to force every adult in the
village to play a game.

The terrorists made every adult woman
in the village put on blindfolds,
and made every adult man line up side by side,
shoulder to shoulder, and drop their pants.

At this point the terrorists announced that
if a woman could correctly identify her
husband by his.. junk, that couple would
be allowed to live and be set free.

But if a woman guessed wrong,
the terrorists would kill both that
woman and her husband.

The game begins,
and the first blindfolded woman starts
going down the line of men:
"Not mine,
not mine,
not mine,
husband!"

And she was right.

So being the
terrorists they were,
those two were set free.

The second woman starts going down the line,
"Not mine,
not mine,
not mine,
not mine,
not mine,
husband!"

And she was right as well,
so those two were set free.

At this point, the terrorists were
growing a bit bored with their game,
and so a couple of the terrorists decided
they themselves would drop their pants
and mix into the middle of the line
with the rest of the village men.

The game resumes,
and it's the third woman's turn.

She starts going down the line of men and says,
"Not mine,
not mine,
not from village,
not mine,
husband!"