After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island.
He went about the island in search of food and shelter.

After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a
tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself,
"I am so screwed!"

To his surprise, a bright light came from
the heavens and a deep voice said to him
"Not yet my son, listen very carefully:
what you have to do is run up to the chief of the tribe,
kick him in the nuts,
and take his spear.
As soon as you take his spear,
kill his only son with it."

Without thinking twice, the man does as he was told.
As he put the spear through the young
cannibal's heart the bright light appeared again and
the deep voice said to him,

"Okay, now you are screwed."



******


Anatomy Lesson Gone Wrong

One day at an all-girl school,
an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing
with his students for a test.

He turns to one student and says,
"Karen, what part of the body can grow up to
six times its size, and
under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming,
"How dare you ask me that, you old perv!
That is completely inappropriate, you should be
ashamed of yourself! I'm going to the dean
about this, your job is toast!"
and on and on.

When she finally finishes her rant,
the teacher, unfazed, turns to another student and says
"Katherine, same question."

"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Very good Katherine, thank you."

He turns back to the first student and says
"Karen, there are three things I learned
from your little outburst,

One, you clearly haven't been studying the material,

Two, you have a very dirty mind,

"And three, someday you're going
to be VERY disappointed."

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus

His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin,
so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
''Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,
''The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,''
and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick,''
and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,

''Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'' ...

I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!

*****


Once upon a time in a magical land, far, far away,
a magical land, there lived a snake named Nate.

In this land, actually rather close to Nate’s house,
there was a great road, and next to this road
was a lever.

The lever was ancient, and the myth around the lever was
that if you were to push it, it would trigger
the end of the world !

One day, Nate was slithering down the road.
When he came upon the lever, he began crossing
the road so he could get a look at it.

At the same moment, a truck came zooming around the corner,
and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake
and run him over, or swerve, hit the lever, and end the world.

Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way.
What’s the moral of this story?

Better Nate than lever.


*****



My wife has a sense of humor!
I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife:
"Because you are funny."

Me:
"I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife:
"You see? You're hilarious."



*****



I was sitting in a recliner naked eating
Cheetos minding my own business
And the Walmart manager calls the police


*****


An old man visited a doctor
"What's the problem sir?"
asked the doctor.

He replied
"It's my joints".

Do they hurt??. "
asked the doctor.

No, I just can't roll
them very good !"


*****



What you'll find in the Texan's toolkit?

Duct tape
WD40
Coathanger

These solve every problem
around the house and in the family.


*****

Cloning ethics question.

Cloning yourself and pushing your clone off
a cliff to its death is probably a crime,

but what crime is it?

Is it murder?
Suicide?

Or making an obscene clone fall?

There Was Once a Forest Man Named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would
always talk about it to his best friend Epp.

One day when they were in their early twenties,
Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love.

Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married
and had a baby girl they named Goo.

Imm was happy for Epp at first,
but as the years went by Imm got more and more
jealous of everyone fawning over Goo.

Years later when Goo was having her sweet sixteen party,
Imm finally broke and decided to adopt.

He found an elven adoption agency and adopted a cute little elf
named Mii. Everyone loved Mii so much that attention started
getting pulled away from the teenaged Goo.

Goo got jealous and started bullying Mii.

One fateful day Imm came come to find Mii dead on
the floor in a pool of blood and he immediately suspected
it was Goo that did the deed.

Cops were called, a trial began,
and evidence was shown.

Only there was no evidence of foul play,
it was determined that Mii the elf had just
taken a tumble and died by accident.

So the judge found the teenaged Goo innocent...

Because Epp's teen didn't kill Imm's elf.

Looking back at John Lennon's Rolls Royce,
I couldn't help but notice his license plate...

Seems like he didn't care for Joe way back then

30 Things Only 1% of People Can Do
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