A psychiatrist was traveling home from work by train
when he noticed the old man opposite
talking to himself then laughing aloud.

Every so often the man would raise his hand,
stop talking, and then start all over again.

Intrigued by what was clearly a fascinating case,
the psychiatrist eventually asked:
"Can I help in any way? I’m a trained psychiatrist."

"Thanks, but no,"
said the old man.
"It’s nothing out of the ordinary.
You see, to keep myself awake
on the journey, I tell myself jokes."

"But why do you keep raising you hand?"
asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh, that’s to stop me telling a joke I’ve heard before."


**********

So, one large oil company have announced
that they are going to be producing fuel
from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.


****

I took my dog to the park today to play Frisbee.
He was hopeless.
I think I need a flatter dog.

*****


How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day.
And the patients were shouting “13, 13, 13..”

The fence was too high high to see over.

But there was a small gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what’s going on….

… Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick

And the next thing I hear from over the fence
is all the patients chanting “14……14…..14….”

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation to Texas

They walking downtown, window shopping, and
they see a sign on a store which reads,
"Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal,
"Billy Joe, Lookee here!
We could buy a whole gob o’ these,
take ‘em back to Georgia,
sell 'em and make a fortune.

Just let me do the talkin',
'cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're ignorant,
and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl
so's they don't know we is from Georgia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl,
“I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99,
100 of them there shirts at $1.99,
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39.
I'll back up my pickup and...."

"The owner of the shop interrupts,
"Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah,"
says a surprised Bubba.
"How come y'all knowed that?"

"Because,"
said the owner
"This is a Dry-Cleaners."



*****

Sounds legit to me

A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door.
It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by.

She tried several times to fix it herself,
but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.

She finally called a repair man.

He showed up, looked over the door
and found no problem.

Then the bus came,
and sure enough, the door fell off.


He said that he was going to step inside
and for her to close the door behind him.

As soon as the door was closed her husband came home
and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom.

He burst in, demanding to know who was in there.

Before she could answer he looked in the closet and
found the repairman
and asked,

"What are YOU doing in there?"

The repairman said,
"You're not going to believe this,
but I'm waiting for the bus.…"




*****

A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation
would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says,
“Two months ago my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating,
and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the
men in the congregation.

“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum
and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

All the men sigh with unified relief.

The pastor rises and tentatively asks
if anyone else has something to say.

A man stands up,
walks slowly to the podium, and says,
“I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation holds its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the
word is pronounced ‘sternum'.’"



*****

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see
that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow
that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to
avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with
Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that
she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...

Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that m@rijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for c0caine and ec$tasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad.
I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John


PS. Dad,

None of the above is true.
I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are
worse things in life than a Report card that's
in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap,
politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains,
“I ask you a question,
and if you don’t know the answer,
you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says,
“Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and,
figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”


The blonde doesn’t say a word,
reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and
hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay” says the lawyer,
“Your turn.”

She asks the lawyer,
“What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the net and the library of congress,
no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde,
and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you.”

And turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,
wakes the blonde and asks,
“Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep

When I first saw this guy, I thought he was
a real reporter.... He's a comic



Traffic Reporter
Melts Down on Live TV




Weather Man
MELTS down on live TV

My job is worse than your job


My job is so fawking unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you
about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick.
Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she
completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing
her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centered
and has never once considered the needs or
wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it
surprising that she has enough brain power
to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite.
She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless,
and yet she is here with us.
hen it comes to looks she is a zero on a
scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers,
much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might
be a lesbian, because every time we drive by
the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fawking stoner guru.
This guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work,
during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years,
and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from
the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big
fawking dog to work. Every fawking day I have to look at this
huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand
smoke. H3ll, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its
constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry,
requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King,
every single fawking day.

Anyway, I drive these Idiots around in my van
and we solve mysteries with ghosts and stuff.








*****


Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
AND a dozen doughnuts

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed,
on the verge of death. His friends are gathered
around him all somber.

The old man turns to one of them and says,
"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed?
Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka.
I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven"
says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag?
Well, it was me who went to the NKVD.
Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven,"
says Petya.

"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the
penal battalion in 1942.
I am terribly sorry about that day."

"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace,"
says Misha.

"Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years,"
says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face.
"I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I’m sorry for betraying
you all, and I hope you will forgive me."

His friends are visibly touched by his words.
Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.

"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish.
See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die,
I want you to take it and shove it up my a$$."

Just as his friends were about to say something
the old communist took his last breath.

So Petya goes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and
with the other two holding up the old communist’s legs,
shoves it up their dead friend's butt.

Suddenly, they hear a loud banging on the door
followed by a gruff voice shouting:

"Open up, it's the police.
We've received information that an old
Bolshevik has been tortured to death."


{One for the Road}