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This is a WARNING

Magnesium citrate

Last night, I had a near death experience.
No, it didn't involve a gun
(although I'd rather get shot again than go through this).

Until last night, I didn't understand the
term "shlt storm"
but let me tell ya,
after 10 fluid ounces.
Not 5 fluid ounces.
Not 7 fluid ounces.
Not just a swig.
But after 10 FLUID OUNCES,

I'm a brand new man.

Ya ever wonder what two homeless people
fornicating on a pile of burning tires
next to a pig farm on a 98 degree day
with a 80% humidity level smells like?

If so, go to Walgreens,
spend 4 bucks,
get ya a bottle of this bullshirt right here,
get ya a baby sitter to watch your kids
and lock yourself in the bathroom
cause you're about to star in your very own
shlt show for the next few hours.

And ya know what?

Just when ya think it's over,
when everything stops and
you can finally wipe the tears and
sweat from your face,
that's when the party starts.

My soul left my body.
Yeah. I crapped out my soul,
but when I got to heaven,
I got sent back because
I brought the smell up there with me.

It's all a blur, but at one point.
I was looking down on myself from the
sky watching all of my internal organs liquefy
and spray out of my arse like someone jumped
on a balloon full of Nutella.

And then that's that. Right?
You're done shltting,
so you muster up what strength you have left,
shaking and weak, you stand up and
flush for the 18th time.

But wait,
THERES MORE.

That's when you start puking.

At this point, I was surprised there was
anything left in me.
Let alone the 20 piece
boneless nuclear wings from Zaxbys.

You know what nuclear sauce feels like
when it's coming out ya nose, throat
and arse at the same time?

I imagine it's the same feeling
as spontaneous combustion.

After 5 straight minutes of puking
and 4 straight hours of shltting,

I passed out on the bathroom floor for
two hours only to be awoken by my dog
licking me to see if I was dead.

Magnesium citrate?

More like magnesium shlt-strate into a coma.
this crap ain't no joke.

But in all seriousness.
This shlt did its job.

It cleaned me out so good,
I even got a clear conscience.
10/10 stars for completely
making me into a new man.

Between the crying and breaking
and dying and what not,

It was one of the worst experiences
of my life so far.

CAUTION
USE AT YOUR OWN RISK.

**********

Not Enough Whoopie

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times.

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed,
the result was not always satisfying because

6 times you just laid there,

8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling,

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,

7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished,

and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because
you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.

Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused.

Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get
more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to shag the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times.

The reason I laid still was because you had
missed me and were shagging the sheet.

You seemed to be having a good time
and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was,
"Would you like me on my back or kneeling?"

The time I was thrashing around and gasping was
when you farted and I was fighting for air.

Maybe you can work on your
“shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

A Cab Driver picks up a Nun

A cab driver picks up a Nun in San Francisco .
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies,
"I have a question to ask,
but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have s3x with a nun."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single,
#2, you must be Catholic, and
#3, it has to be @nal because I want to remain a virgin."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and
I've always wanted to try @nal!'

"OK"
the nun says.
"Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a
scr3w that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road,
the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child,"
said the nun,
"Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.
I lied and I must confess;
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says,
"That's OK."

Then she rips off her mask and says
"My name is Kevin and
I'm going to a Halloween party."