**********


Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery,
two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to
pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar,
passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying:
“One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”

He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby,
for the priest
“Father, please come with me.
Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued:

“One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
“What about the two at the gate?”

It's said, the two are still running today !



**********


A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

On the way back the wife, very worried, asks:
“So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies:
“She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years!
Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come
and live with us, forever!”

“Wow that’s amazing!” –
says the wife – “But this is very strange, dear…
yesterday, she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said
she should have a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday” –
he replied – “But today when I arrived at the hospital,
the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst”


**********



A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful  (you guessed it) blȯnde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
“It’s golf balls”.

Nevertheless, the blȯnde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally,
not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”



**********


Two Swedes were remembering how they had first learned to swim.

One said: ‘My father taught me to swim the hard way – he
threw me into the middle of a lake.’

‘That must have been tough,’ said the other.

‘It was, said the first,
but the really hard part was getting out of the sack!’


**********


When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome.
As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.


**********


A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb,
“Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed.
“Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?”

“Well no,” the tourist said,
“I didn’t realize that. But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”


**********



“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,”
an embarrassed woman said after a church service,
“when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,”
the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the church goer.
“Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood.”


**********



Having arrived at the edge of the river,
the fisherman soon realized,
he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing
by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,
he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake
with three more worms in his mouth…

Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And something's slipping in my head;

I got used to arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
But oh, how I miss my mind.

For sometimes I cannot remember
When I stand atop the stairs,
If I must go down for something
Or if I've just come up from there.

And before the fridge, so often
My mind is filled with nagging doubt.
Have I just put food away,
or Have I come to take some out.

I called a friend not long ago,
When they answered I just moaned.
I hung up quickly without speaking,
For I'd forgotten just who I'd phoned.

And when the darkness falls upon me
I stand alone and scratch my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed?

Once I stood in my own bathroom,
Wondering if I'd used the pot.
I flushed it just in case I had,
And sat down just in case I'd not.

So, now if it's my turn to write you.
There's no need for getting sore
It may be that I think I've written,
And don't need to write no more.

Now I stand beside the mail box
With a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you the letter
I have opened it instead.

Each day, these thoughts,
they seem to thrive,
but time's awastin',
my license has come, so I can still drive.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other,
do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray to God that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that tree and break a leg,
don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying,
and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once,
I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father."

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home."

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to stay that way."

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Johnny wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day,
he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one,
although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller,
"Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain,
rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Johnny a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Mary, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house,
Mary stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says..

And in they go.

Johnny is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough,
no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Johnny decides to take
advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Mary.
No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
throws her on the table and diddles her,
right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered,
her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified
when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

"She's got a great body," Johnny thinks.

So he grabs the mom,
bends her over the dinner table,
pulls down her panties,
and diddles her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.

After she let out a huge sigh,
he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder,
and it starts to rain.

Johnny remembers his bike,
so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts,

"ALRIGHT!! I'll do the danged dishes”.