The Difference between Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French

In Hell:
The cooks are English


In Heaven:
The policemen are English

In Hell:
The policemen are German


In Heaven:
The mechanics are German

In Hell:
The mechanics are French


In Heaven:
The lovers are Italian

In Hell:
The lovers are Swiss,


In Heaven:
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The bankers are Italian ....
and there are no arguments with loan repayments !



**********


A friend of mine accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex
instead of his liquid Viagra.

Now he’s got a massive correction.


**********



A reporter was interviewing a woman who was celebrating her 100th birthday.

"And why do you think it is that you have reached such a wonderful old age?"
he asked.

"It is because I believe in moderation in all things,"
she replied.
"I have always practiced moderation in drink, diet and exercise,
and that is why I have remained so healthy."

"But I understand you have often been bedridden?"
said the reporter.

"Of course I have!"
said the old lady.
"But don’t you dare put that in your newspaper!"



**********


An old man went into a car showroom with his young wife.

When the owner of the showroom began eyeing her up,
the old man proposed a wager.

He said,
"If you can do everything to my wife that I can do,
I will pay you double for the car. If you can’t,
you will give it to me for free!"

Being something of a ladies’ man,
the owner readily agreed to the wager.

The old man began by giving his wife a passionate kiss,
and the owner did the same.

Next, the old man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts,
whereupon the owner did the same.

Then the old man opened his fly,
pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half !

"What color car do you want?"
asked the owner.


**********


A general store owner hired a young female clerk who
used to wear short skirts and skimpy thongs to work.

One day a young man came in to the store and asked for some raisin bread.

As the raisin bread was located on the top shelf,
she had to climb a stepladder to reach it,
affording him a great view up her skirt.

He was so impressed by what he saw that when she came down,
he suddenly remembered he needed more raisin bread.
Just so that she would have to climb back up.

By now the other male customers in the store had cottoned on to
what was happening and they too, asked in turn for raisin bread.

Each time the girl dutifully climbed the ladder for the raisin bread
and each time they got an eyeful.

After half a dozen climbs in quick succession,
she began to get tired.

From the top step, she looked down at the group of men and
spotted an old man, who was yet to be served, staring up at her.

Trying to save herself another trip, she asked him,
"Is yours raisin, too?"

"No,"
he said,
"but it’s startin’ to twitch!"


**********


An eighty-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of twenty-one.

His trusted friend and adviser, the local banker,
had serious doubts as to how long an old man would be
able to satisfy such a young bride and feared for his friend’s happiness.

So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony,
he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand
to help around the ranch, knowing full well that
the hired hand would probably help out in the
bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back.

The rancher thought it was a great idea.

Four months later, the banker called on his friend.

"How’s your new wife?"
he asked.

"She’s pregnant,"
replied the old man.

The banker smiled knowingly.

"And how’s the hired hand?"

The old man smiled and said,
"Oh, she’s pregnant, too!"

Meanwhile ... In Canada

A Woman's Prayer



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy’s thick and long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks;

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed;

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask, ‘How big’s my behind?’

One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the bathroom, the garden, the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead . . .



**********


Oh Those Canadians

In most of the Canadian provinces, there is a policy of checking
on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop
into the single digits or below.

One morning in March 2004 about 3 AM, RCMP Constable Bill Wisen
was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on
the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.

Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow
alongside the highway.

Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on,
Constable Wisen walked to he driver's door, to find an older man
passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat.

He tapped on the window and the driver woke up,
seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror'
and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car.
The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift
into drive and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-40-60 then 80 KPH,
but it's still stuck in the snow.

Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor,
began running in place next to the 'speeding' but still
stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the
officer is actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen
yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over".

This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's
special training and just how can the Constable run 80 KPH.

The man, Mr. Robert Dupor of Austin, Texas, 
was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable
had outrun his car.



**********



I was in Toronto earlier this summer and every bar
I went to I saw the same guy, a visiting Texan,
drinking heavily and it was not because he was a Bluejays fan.

Not that I was drinking in every bar but just liked visiting.

Anyway, one night I see him lying in the street
so loaded he cannot walk.

I notice he is pointing at something and
I go to see if he is all right.

I ask him if he is okay and he just keep's saying,
"it can't be done, it can't be done"

I ask what can't be done and he points to a sign above his head.
I look up and see the sign,

"Drink Canada Dry"!



**********


News Report

Today Canada agrees to help the US and Britain in the actions against Iraq.
The Canadian government promised the US a fleet of its largest battleships,
a company of its best-trained infantry and a squadron of jets.

But, due to the exchange rate, this comes down to
6 canoes, 3 Mounties and a flying squirrel.



**********

And , last but not least.....


A French Canadian wanted to raise chickens,
so he went out and bought seven chickens, dug seven
holes in the ground, and buried their heads in the soil
with their bodies flopping on the ground.

When he got up the next day, they were dead.
He did not understand why.

So he tried again.

He bought seven more chickens,
and this time he dug holes and buried them
with just their feet sticking out of the ground.

He watered them and went to bed.

The next day they were dead...again.

He decided to write to the University of Montreal and
tell them of his dilemma.

He explained what he had done and asked for advice.

A week later,
he received a letter from the university
asking for a sample of the soil..................