I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected,
but customer service told me that since the account was
in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep.

Then a solution hit me:

“If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,”
she said reluctantly.
“But that would ruin his credit.”



*****


My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping
with her sister.

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.


*****

Policeman:
"You’re going to prison for forgery!"

Me:
Slides him a $37 bill.
"What about now?"



*****



My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us
to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery
and now THIS!!!

*****


What's a Texan's idea of foreplay ?
''Honey, I'm home !"

What’s an Australian’s idea of foreplay?
"Brace yourself. Sheila."

What’s a redneck’s idea of foreplay?
'‘Are you awake yet, sis?"

Why did God invent football?
So that married men could have some form of
physical contact in their lives.

A History of German Humor
Short, short book.
A Front cover, a Back cover, and Nein pages.


*****

One day, a farmer was in town picking up supplies for his farm.

He stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil,
then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said:
"Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Gee, thanks,"
said the farmer, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.

"Can you tell me how to get to 412 Canyon Avenue?"
she asked.

The farmer replied:
"Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 401 Canyon Avenue.
Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady said:
"How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won’t hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said:
"Holy smokes, lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a
goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and ravish you?"

The old lady answered:
"Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on
top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens . . ."

Every Sunday a preacher at a small country church tried to make the Bible
accessible to his congregation via his sermons.

He would say:
"If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance.
All of life’s experiences are immortalized in the good book."

After one week’s service, a woman went up to the preacher and said:
"I don’t think every life experience is mentioned in the Bible.
Nowhere in the Bible have I read about PMS."

The preacher promised to investigate, and the following Sunday
he told the woman that he had indeed found a passage in the
Bible about PMS.

It read:
"And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem."


**********



Paddy and Mick were walking home after a drunken night on the town.
They had no money for a taxi and were staggering around aimlessly
when they found themselves outside the bus depot.

Suddenly Paddy had a brainwave and said to Mick:
"Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home.
I’ll wait out here and keep a lookout for the police."

So Mick went in, but twenty minutes later there was
still no sign of him.

Mystified as to what was going on,
Paddy poked his head around the door and saw Mick running
from bus to bus, looking extremely worried.

"What the hell are you doing?"
asked Paddy.
"Get a move on!"

"I can’t find a number 7 anywhere, Paddy!"

Paddy threw up his hands in disbelief.
"Just how stupid are you, Mick?
For Chripe’s sake, steal a number 9,
and we’ll get off at the roundabout
and walk the rest of the way!"