Greeting Cards Rejected By Hallmark !


I heard you had herpes . . .
and I feel terrible . . .
I’d say ‘Get well soon’ . . .
but I know it’s incurable.


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Heard your wife left you . . .
How upset you must be . . .
Don’t fret about your wife though . . .
She’s moving in with me.


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Happy vasectomy! . . .
Hope you feel zippy . . .
Cause when I got one . . .
I got real snippy.


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You’ve announced that you’re gay . .
Won’t that be a laugh . .
When they find out...
You’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

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This feels so good . . .
It feels so right . . .
I just wish it wasn’t. . .
$250 a night.


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So you lost your job . . .
It’s one of those hardships in life . . .
Next time, work harder
And don’t shag the boss’s wife.


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If you think that hickey . . .
Looks like a blister . . .
Check out the one . . .
I gave to your sister.


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My tIre was thumping . . .
I thought it was flat . . .
When I looked at the tIre . . .
I found your cat . . .

Sorry!


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You had your bladder removed....
And you're on the mends....
Here's a bouquet of flowers...
And a box of Depends. 

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You totaled your car...
And can't remember why...
Could it have been...
That case of Bud Dry?


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A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman
sitting nearby how deep the water was.

"A couple of inches,"
replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly
disappeared beneath the surface, in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That’s odd,"
thought the Irishman.
"The water only goes halfway up on those ducks."


**********


Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly,
were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
When suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a
trench coat approached them from across the park.

He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't
seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat in one quick motion.

Gertrude immediately had stroke.
Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, couldn't quite reach that far.


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Signs You Might Be Canadian:


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the four seasons mean:
almost winter, winter, still winter, and
road construction/repairs.

You own five pairs of hockey skates and
only one pair of shoes.

You say ‘no big deal’ to a sidewalk cyclist
who’s just knocked you down.

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and
a flannel nightdress with only eight buttons.

You dismiss all beers under six per cent as
‘for children and the elderly’, (and visiting Americans.)

You get excited whenever a US TV show mentions Canada.

You find Kentucky Fried Chicken ‘a bit bland without
adding your own 'touch'...but not too spicy’.

You think driving is better in winter because
the potholes are filled with snow.

You have ten favorite recipes for moose, venison,
and caribou meat.

You say,
‘Sure it’s 33 below,
but it’s a dry cold.


The above is just a sample for true Western Canadians....

Easterner Canadians, think hunting, for example,
means spending an hour or more in the
Meat Department in the local stores.

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student
"Who is your father?

The student replies
"The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness,
provider and protector of the Koreans,
he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams.
"Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate.
"The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty,
international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations,
she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauds.
"What a diligent student you are.
What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies
"An orphan."

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant
at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand".


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I was badly attacked by a woman in an elevator.

I was in the elevator when she got in.

I was casually staring at her boobs when she said
"Would you please press one for me please?",

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.

Cruel Things To Say To a Naked Man:


I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

Aaahh, it’s cute.

But it still works, right?

Does it come with an air pump?

Maybe it looks better in natural light.

Why don’t we just cuddle?

You know they have surgery to fix that?

And yet your feet are so big!

I guess this makes me the early bird.

It’s OK, we’ll work around it.

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

Why is God punishing me?

Can I be honest with you?

What's it going to be when it grows up ?


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MIDDLE AGE ....
OLD LIST...
STILL APPLIES TODAY !


What a Difference Thirty Years Makes:


1975: long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1975: Moving to California because it’s cool
2005: Moving to California because it’s warm

1975: Growing pot
2005: Growing pot belly

1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2005: Trying not to look like Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage

1975: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2005: Getting a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney stones

1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system

1975: Take acid
2005: Take antacid

1975: Passing the driver’s test
2005: Passing the vision test

1975: ‘Whatever’
2005: ‘Depends’



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Dating And Marriage:


When you are dating . . .
Farting is never an issue.

When you are married . . .
You make sure there’s nothing flammable near
your husband– at all times.


When you are dating …
He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married …
He brings home a six-pack and says,
‘What are you going drink?’


When you are dating …
He holds your hand in public.

When you are married …
He flicks your ear in public.


When you are dating . . .
You enjoy foreplay.

When you are married . . .
You tell him. If we have sex,
will you leave me alone?’


When you are dating …
He hugs you tenderly for no reason.

When you are married …
He grabs your boobs any chance he gets.


When you are dating …
A single bed for two feels cosy.

When you are married …
A king-size double bed feels too cramped.


When you are dating . . .
The sight of him naked turns you on.

When you are married . . .
You think, ‘Was he always that fat?’


When you are dating . . .
You picture the two of you, growing old together.

When you are married . . .
You wonder who will die first.