**********

I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country.

but don't want to jump to conclusions,
this my first time visiting Israel

I think this pic says it all

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying
South West Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked,
"lf dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats,
why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)
told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant.

"If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats,
why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then. tell your mother that there are no baby planes,
because South West always pulls out
on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."


**********


Two naturalists were observing wildlife in the forests of Canada.

One said:
"Did you see that bear over there?"

"No,"
replied the second.
"I didn’t."

A few minutes later the first naturalist said:
"Did you just see that eagle flying overhead?"

"No, I missed that,"
said the second.

Five minutes later, the first naturalist said:
"Did you see that moose go behind those trees?"

"Damn!"
said the second.
"I missed that, too!"

"You really ought to keep your eyes open,"
said the first. "That way you won’t keep missing things."

A few minutes later, the first naturalist said:
"Hey, did you see that?"

"As a matter of fact I did,"
snapped the second man,
determined not to be ridiculed further,
"Indeed, I probably spotted it before you!"

"Oh, yeah?"
said the first naturalist.
"So why did you step in it?"


**********


A popular pub installed a new robotic bartender that was
programmed to strike up a conversation according to the customer’s IQ.

So when a guy came in for a drink, the robot asked him:
"What’s your IQ?"

The man replied:
"130."

The robot then proceeded to make conversation about
nuclear physics, astronomy and advanced math.

The customer was impressed.

Then another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him:
"What’s your IQ?"

The man responded:
"120."

So the robot started talking about Football ,
dirt bikes and the current Olympics.

The customer thought it was really cool.

Then a third guy came in to the bar and,
as before, the robot asked him:
"What’s your IQ?"

The man replied:
"80."

The robot said:
"So, how are things down in Perth these days?"


**********


The guy next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said
"If you think SHE'S beautiful, you should see MY girlfriend, mate".

He said
"Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said
"No, she's an optician".


**********


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.


**********

A nun was walking through the convent grounds
when one of the priests noticed that she
was putting on weight.

"Gaining a little weight,
are we, Sister Assumpta?"
he inquired.

"No, Father, just a little gas."

A month later the same priest noticed
she’d put on even more weight.

"Gaining some weight, are we.
Sister Assumpta?"

"No, Father, just a little gas."

Three months later the priest saw
Sister Assumpta  pushing a baby carriage
around the convent.

He leaned over, looked in the carriage and said:
"Cute little fart."


**********


Two golfers were waiting on the tee when a naked woman
ran across the fairway and into the woods.
She was being chased by  two men in white coats,
another guy carrying two buckets of sand,
and a little old man bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers said to the old man:
"What’s going on?"

"She’s a nymphomaniac from the asylum,"
replied the old man. "She keeps trying to escape,
and us attendants are trying to catch her."

"So what about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

"Oh, that’s his handicap.
He caught her last time."


**********


Now for a few "fractured" poems


Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed Jill’s ass,
Now his two front teeth are missing.

**********


Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.


**********


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too – he’s funny that way!


**********


Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
But Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.


**********


Hey Diddle Diddle The cat did a piddle
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
then died of an electric shock.


**********


Little Muss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept up beside her,
"Twas Little Boy Blue with his horn."


**********


Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.