Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...

... i don't know what happens next because
I suddenly woke up in a motel room.

Q: Why do baby diapers have names like "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers,"
while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

A: When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em.
When old people crap in their pants it "Depends" on who's in the will!


**********


A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said,
"You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see.
If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough,
lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren,
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


**********

Healthy Insanity For Retirement......


01 At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars

02 On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'

03 Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get

04 Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it

05 Sing along at the opera

06 When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"

07 When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

08 Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"

09 Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

10 Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"



**********


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for it.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says,
"Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the social security office.

Loving wife that she is, she says,
"You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too."

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie and then took
a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man,
spit into the old man's milk and
then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man,
turned over the old man's plate,
and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up
from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he!"

And the waitress replied,
"Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"



**********


A young avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
So, he figured, if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes
before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee
and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.

He didn't hit the ball far,
but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man
found himself with a tough shot.

There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball -
and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him,
the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up,
right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the
ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment,
"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall!"