A guy phones a law office and says
"I want to speak to my lawyer".

The receptionist replies
"I'm sorry but he died last week".

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies
"I told you yesterday, he died last week".

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds
"Because I just love hearing it".


**********


There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence,
and as he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought,
well that's a little condescending.


**********


Brit Military Humor



During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with
a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your car stuck, sir?"
asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope,"
replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.
"Yours is."  ....RHIP.


**********


Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery,
when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past,
barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise.
"He was sure moving!"

The other crow replies:
"I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides
and both of them were on fire !"


**********


A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said:
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
"Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

When 24 men raised their hands, the Sergeant asked the other man:
"Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied:
"Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."


**********



A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were
fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling
helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and
pulled himself painfully in.

Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed:
"Please don't say a word about this to anyone.
If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry,"
the general said. "Your secret is safe.
I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."


**********


A married woman calls her lover home
during the day while her husband is at work and her son is at school.

However, her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them in the act & hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She hurriedly pushes her lover into the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says,
"Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

The next week it happens again and the boy & the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside & have a game of catch."

The boy says,
"I can't. I sold my baseball & my glove."

The father asks, "How much did u sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,..
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take u to
church & make you confess."

They go to the church & the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth & he closes the door.

The boy says,
"Dark in here."

The priest says,
"Don't start that shlt again."



**********




**********

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.
And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

Three sister die in a car crash.
All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself.
God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here.
The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must
always watch your step.”

The sisters are very cautious throughout their first days there,
however the oldest sister accidentally steps on a duck.

God then came walking up with this ugly man and handcuffed the man to the oldest sister.

God said
“As a punishment for stepping on A duck you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this man.”

The other sisters knowing the punishment take extra caution over the next couple of days.
Unfortunately the middle sister could not avoid it anymore and accidentally stepped on a duck.

Again God walked up and handcuffed a hideous man to the middle sister for eternity.

The youngest sister made sure to always watch her step and after about a month or so then
God came walking up to her with an attractive young man and handcuffed them together.

God then started to walk away when the youngest sister stopped him and said
“But God, I did not step on a duck”

To which God replied
“Yes I know, but he did”



**********


Three men met on a nude beach.
Two of the three men were happy,
but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation.
The topic eventually reached the men's jobs,
and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man.
"All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes,
so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax
and do it naked, that's a win-win."

"I'm an accountant,"
said the second man.
"I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."

The first two men turned to the third, sad man.
"What do you do?" they asked.

"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man.
"My doctor sent me here."

“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
a little girl asked.

“No, I don’t think so. Fifi is in heat,”
replied the mother.

“What does that mean?”
asked the child.

Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion
with her young daughter, the Mother said,
“Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
“Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and
that I had to come talk to you.”


Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said,
“Bring Fifi over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it.

“Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash
and you can only go around the block once.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

“Where is Fifi?” her father asked.

“She should be here in a minute,”
advised the daughter.
“She ran out of gas about halfway down the block
and another dog is pushing her home.”


**********

Two different doctors


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined by his regular doctor within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.


The SECOND sees his regular doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
which isn't reviewed for another week and finally,
has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?


The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Ain't that the beautiful truth!!


**********


Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida.

Steve says:
"I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department
store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything.
Since I was too old to begin again, I took the insurance money and retired - and here I am."

Ben says:
"I had a hardware store downtown. It was the finest hardware store in the city.
One Friday evening after closing time a pipe burst and flooded the store.
On Monday morning I came in to discover that my entire inventory had been ruined.
Like you, I was too old to start again, so I took the insurance money and retired down here to Florida."

Billy says:
"I had a pharmacy in the Midwest. I was very successful, and had seven pharmacists
working for me.
However, one night a tornado came and picked up my entire store, utterly destroying it.
I came the next morning and there was no pharmacy there!
I was already a senior citizen so I took the insurance money and moved to Florida."

Steve and Ben look utterly confused.

After a few moments, Ben asks Billy
"Uh...how the hell do you make a tornado?!"

This past year, I've absorbed so much hand sanitizer that
every time I pee
I sanitize the toilet ..


**********


What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing?!


**********


I just like the guy on the bongo
A guy named "CatTurd" is the cat





Señor Jake should smile more when he dances

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other,
'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says,
'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song,
they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied,
'They couldn't get a babysitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,
'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl walked to and from school daily.
Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming,
she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as
she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. 

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called,
"What are you doing?"

The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.