A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and
your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without
a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off
potential customers.
I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said.
"If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

The interviewer said,
"Really? Great! Show me!"


So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and
begins pulling out all sorts of condoms:
red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms;
finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.


"Well," said the interviewer,
"that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company,
and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"


He was shocked and asked,
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

The interviewer said,
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"


"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes,
but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge
red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded,
"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked
in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing
the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.


One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"


No", she replied,
"But my cucumbers are enormous." 


*****



Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other,
"Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"

The other replies,
"Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three
a$$holes and they were all on fire!"


*****


A child asked his father
"How were people born?"

So his father said
"Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults
and made babies, and so on".

The child then went to his mother,
asked her the same question and she told him
"We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now".

The child ran back to his father and said
"You lied to me!"

His father replied
"No... your mum was talking about her side of the family..."

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or
who will eventually be teenagers.

                                                            Teenager Owner's Manual

                      Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.



Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty
(which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

 

    IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.

.

    Does she:


If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.



BREAK-IN PERIOD:

When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort.
Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.
This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that
will cause you concern,anxiety, and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviors your teenager will start acting even worse.



ACTIVATION:

To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger.

No further programming is required.


SHUTDOWN:

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenage daughter.

There is no way to do this.



CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:


Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat."
Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour.
They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because
like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my  mom and dad use.

When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in
every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house.

If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat."

Teenagers are very busy and do not have  time to be neat.
They expect others to pick up after them.

These others are called "parents."



FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:

Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants
because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.

Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both.

If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you
and oh my God  he is so hot.

Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.



CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:


Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look
adorable on your daughter.

If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.
Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the 'schoolhouse' door, she will be wearing something entirely different.


OTHER MAINTENANCE:

Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High."

Your daughter is "Ultra High."
This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.


WARRANTY:


This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake.
If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious.

Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman,
which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.

If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter,
well, what did you expect?

In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances,
except that deep down she's actually still there -
you just have to look for her.



*******




Been trying my hand a gardening lately ...

I think I got a winner