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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-17-2015

Here's the Scoop on the Middle East War

Many of my friends have approached me with requests to explain what is going in in Syria. I think they expect that with 37 years of military experience, I will understand what is going on.
Of course, I do:

So here is my simple explanation of the situation.

President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (hurrah!).

But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State (who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good).

So the Americans (who are good ) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was a good thing.

By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS (which is a good thing) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter.

Getting back to Syria.

So President Putin (who is bad, because he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking ISIS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing?

But Putin (still bad) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good).

Now Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.

So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.

Now the British (obviously good, except that nice Mr Corbyn in the corduroy jacket, who is probably bad) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good /bad) and they think they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad).

So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (but let’s face it, drinking your own urine is better than IS so no real choice there) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them Good.

America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran (also good) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate.

This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join IS (still the only constantly bad group).

To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good (Doh!).

Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal (might have a point) and hence we will be seen as Bad.

So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (Good / bad ) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also Good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably Good ) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started?


I hope that clears all this up for you.
Just Reward

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah, "Why are there so many virgins in heaven?".

Allah regarded him for a moment, then
replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them.

Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually
ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?

(I rest my case)
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RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 11-18-2015

Check this out......revenge by an old lady....very funny:


https://youtu.be/TQxcV4lu-a4

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 11-20-2015

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 11-21-2015

Good post willie33

Very funny....... Tongue

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 11-22-2015

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-23-2015

Step by Step for Lookin Up Your Butt

If you havent made your appointment, please, do as soon as possible. This information will help you prepare....

ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a
gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed
me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
organ that appears to go all over the place,
at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written
instructions, and a prescription for a product
called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I
will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively
sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in
a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with
the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want
to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as
the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently.

You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got
to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms
acknowledging that I understood and totally
agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.

Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house!

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled
me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.

I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I
realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the
moment I had been dreading for more than
a decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea.

Really. I slept through it.

One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

The subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous.

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

01. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going
where no man has gone before!'

02. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

03. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

04. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are
we there yet?'

05. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally
married.'

06. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

07. 'You put your left hand in, you take your
left hand out...'

08. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

09. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron,
didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

NOTE
I found this to be so true, but so funny as well!!!

RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 11-24-2015

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-24-2015

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If You Are Wondering

Most seniors never get enough exercise.

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose
coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was
good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up
and down more, remember its Gods will.

It is all in your best interest even though you
mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We
Grow Older

09 Death is the number 1 killer in the
world.

08 Life is sexually transmitted.

07 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

06 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and
hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.

05 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

04 Health nuts are going to feel stupid
someday, lying in the hospital, dying of
nothing.

03 All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

02 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

01 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.
What you do today may be a burning issue
tomorrow.


(Don't ignore this message. This is your only
warning.)

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 11-24-2015

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Caróg liath - 11-24-2015

I'd like to bear my soul to you...

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