Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who
think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual

Congratulations!
You are now the proud new owner of a
teenage daughter.



Please read this manual carefully, as it describes
the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty
(which does NOT include the right to return the product to
the factory for a full refund.)

 

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR
TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.



Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter,
only with more makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the
planet Earth (except when requesting money)?

© Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?


If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.



BREAK-IN PERIOD:

When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort.

Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely
feel traumatized.

This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming
accustomed to certain behaviors thatvwill cause you concern,
anxiety, and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviors your teenager
will start acting even worse.



ACTIVATION:

To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the
vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger.

No further programming is required.



SHUTDOWN:

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down
your teenage daughter.

There is no way to do this.



CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:



Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference
between the words "clean" and "neat."

Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent
showers that last more than an hour.

They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which
you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my  mom and dad use.

When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will
step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house.

If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean"
with "neat."

Teenagers are very busy and do not have  time to be neat.
They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called
"parents."



FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:

Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be
purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything
you eat because it is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants,
because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my
friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.

Either order take-out food or just give her the money,
preferably both.

If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy
might see you and oh my God he is so hot.

Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.


CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:


Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and
frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.

If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to
dress like a lap dancer.

You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before
leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the 'schoolhouse'
door, she will be wearing something entirely different.



OTHER MAINTENANCE:


Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:
"High," and "Ultra High."

Your daughter is "Ultra High."

This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever
you try won't work.



WARRANTY:


This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who
think it is hilarious.

Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes
for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already
happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.

If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter,
well, what did you expect?

In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl
back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's
actually still there -
you just have to look for her.

Survivor:
Texas Edition


Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled:
"Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to
Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa,
Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilene, Fort Worth and then, finally,
back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:


- and the last sticker is;


15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"


The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

THE BAPTIST AND THE COWBOY

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy
on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a
whiskey and soda, Which was brought and
placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he
would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied,
"I'd rather be tied up and taken advantaged of by women
of ill-repute than to let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice..."


***********************

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in
Dallas, TX.

On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass
in the limo and says to his chauffeur,

"Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've
never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?"

Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say
no so he obliged and exchanged seats.

It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having
the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph!

Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over.

As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver
he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor.

The trooper called in and told the sergeant,

"Sergeant, I'm afraid I pulled
over someone very very important."

In which he replied,
"Well, who is it, the governor?"

"No, no, much more important than that!"

"The President?!"

"I'm afraid even more important than that!"

"Well, who the hell is it then?!"

"I don't know, but his chauffeur is
the freakin' Pope!"


****************************


A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a
week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following
note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential
plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome,
unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend
the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared
for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should
be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely
refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews please.'


Sending a written message, the captain replied:

'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the
widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am
sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis
with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies
and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD in
Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from
Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the
University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the
University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he
is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'

Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would
be escorted by three handsome naval officers
(and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a
polite rap at the door which she opened to find,
in full dress uniform,
three very handsome,
smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer,
'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

I was quite young when I first "tied the knot"
and so was my pick...

I told her one day that I would like some mashed potatoes
for the evening meal.

She asked me, "How do I start to make them, does it take this whole
10 pound bag?"

I said, "No... Just peal half of them and boil them."

This is what I found when I came home from work the evening.





And that's when the fight started

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John,
who throughout his high school career had never lost a match.

As he went on into college he continued undefeated.
He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and
unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up
between the two, America versus Russia.

The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately.

Every day his coach would tell him,
“This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip.
No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip.
DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip!!”

The day of the match finally came.

Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the
capacity crowd, the coach once again said,
“Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip.
No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip!"

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the
Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and
cursed John for not listening to his advice.

All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of
USA USA USA.

He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John.

The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him,
“I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip
I looked away.
How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him,
“Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in
ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when
I open my eyes and right in front of me were
two testicles.
So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach...
“John I don’t think that is legal.
You could be disqualified”

“I don’t know about that coach." said John,
But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how
strong you are until you bite your own testicles!!”



***************


An old prospector shuffled into the town
of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town,
to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and
clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun
in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!"
and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too,
and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands,
as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

Today's global challenges require the North Pole
to continue to look for better,
more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained,
but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted.
It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy ...
that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned.
The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact.
After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced
by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been
calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold
by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a
mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying
constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management
that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming
is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some
new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept
has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.
A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing
has always been an odd number.
This function will be phased out as
these individuals grow older and can
no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping
is overkill.
The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international
air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen.
While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings
are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and
twelve drummers drumming
is a simple case of the band getting too big.
A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings which
will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in
assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses.
Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.
If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association
seeking expansion to include the
legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts
may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management
to scrutinize the Snow White Division
to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



Merry Christmas