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+--- Thread: Humorous Smilies (/showthread.php?tid=319)
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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-10-2020
Graet ones as always !!!
And yes Ma'am ... I have already conceded to the fact, not only
is my human little one the boss here,,, Now I have another boss too ?? ??
Ice
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-10-2020
RE: Humorous Smilies - Slick - 12-10-2020
LOL Charon!!!!
I can so relate! I tried to put up a small artificial tree the other weekend. TRIED being the word here!!
Autumn (my 5 year old Cat - that acts 5 months old) was just calmly watching me. Had to leave the room for about 30 minutes. Came back in when I heard what I thought I heard and PRESTO - No upright decorated tree!!!
I now have my little Charlie Brown tree up - with the one ornament - a red ball - tied to it and some weight holding it
in place. Pretty sure it won't last long!!!
LOL!!!!
Love my kitty
Slick
RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-10-2020
![[Image: z-memes-13-3.jpg]](http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/z-memes-13-3.jpg)
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-10-2020
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-11-2020
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-11-2020
Lol... Too funny ✅
Give fleas a chance ...
Ice
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-11-2020
To Steal Ice's idea...
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED . . . . .
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that is how the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get i t fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver'slicense to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt. " So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too. "
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy! "
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then? "
That's how the fight started…
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-11-2020
Love it...
Okay... While I was out shopping the other day, I picked up some
Chicken legs. Just before the young girl rang them up, I
Asked her if they were the front legs or were they the back legs
Of the chicken. Quickly she picked them up and studied the package
She said, "I'm not sure, let me ask my manager."
She returned fairly fast and said,
"That's NOT very funny!"
I said, "Well, I thought it was kinda funny."
That's when some guy behind me said, "She's right!
That was funny, it was HILARIOUS!!"
____________________
Well Oregon has passed a law, to make it legal
To have curb sales for weed!
You drive up to the corner.
Hand the person some money.
They hand you a bag of weed!
Just like the old days ..
Ice
Chicken legs. Just before the young girl rang them up, I
Asked her if they were the front legs or were they the back legs
Of the chicken. Quickly she picked them up and studied the package
She said, "I'm not sure, let me ask my manager."
She returned fairly fast and said,
"That's NOT very funny!"
I said, "Well, I thought it was kinda funny."
That's when some guy behind me said, "She's right!
That was funny, it was HILARIOUS!!"
____________________
Well Oregon has passed a law, to make it legal
To have curb sales for weed!
You drive up to the corner.
Hand the person some money.
They hand you a bag of weed!
Just like the old days ..
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-12-2020
On Saturday I took the wife out for a few drinks.
I pointed over at another couple night sitting at a table and said to my wife, "do you see that couple over there? She gives him a kiss every few minutes. Why don't you do that?"
She replied, "That sounds great, but I don't even know him."
And that's when the fight started.
I was out for dinner with my wife at our local bistro.
The waiter, comes up to us and asks me what we would like for our mains.
"I would like T-Bone steak, medium please"
He replied, "Are you not concerned about the mad cow?"
To which I then said "No, she will order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....
It was a lovely warm sunny summer Sunday so I decided to drive my family to the seaside.
After driving for a while the children started getting restless and asked "Where's the beech daddy?".
I replied, "She is right beside me in the passenger seat"
And that's when the fight started.
My wife kept playing with her wedding ring so I asked her, “honey, why do you keep turning and twisting your ring?”
To which she replied, “I am trying to figure out the combination.”
And that’s when the fight started!
My husband and I were lying under the bed covers when he touched my back, I said, "that feels great." He continued to touch my leg, I then said, "wow, you know that feels even better."
Then all at once he stopped. I asked him, "why did you stop darling?"
He replied, "I found the remote."
And that’s when the fight started.
It has been raining cats and dogs all week and my husband is really starting to get frustrated and angry. He just keeps standing by the window, staring at us.
If this continues, I am going to have to let him in.
And that’s when the fight started!
I went shopping with my wife to buy me some new business shirts but found that the largest size the store had was still too tight.
I asked my wife, "Where do I go from here?"
My wife replied, "Straight to the gym!"
And that's when the fight started.
The other day my husband was having a few beers and said to me, " I am the man of this house. You will wash, cook and clean. You will also rub my feet and shoulders!"
He then went on to ask me "Now can you guess who is going to help me dress?"
To which I replied " the Funeral Director?"
And that's when the fight started.
My youngest son asked my husband, “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”
He replied, “Do you see those 4 trees? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
My son responded, “But dad there are only 2 trees.”
And that’s when the fight started.
The other day my youngest son asked my husband, "Father I heard at school that in parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her, is this true?"
My husband looked him square in the eyes and replied, "Son, that happens in every country."
And that's when the fight started.
My husband was recently stopped by a police officer who said, “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000!
What will you do with that money?”
My husband gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally obtain my driver’s license!” I cut in and said, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
My mother in law says from the back seat, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken this stolen car!” And my cousin in the trunk asks, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
And that’s when the fight started!